Culture
Cornell Will Expel You For Plagiarism But Mails You A Pamphlet For The Other Thing
By Bruno Von Falken, . BSN Network. Satire.
Cornell University, which charges approximately $91,000 per year in tuition and fees to attend, has confirmed through a new USA Today analysis that it successfully expels or dismisses accused students and staff in roughly 13% of reported sexual misconduct cases, a number that university administrators described in a statement as reflecting "the complexity and nuance of a thorough institutional process."
The other 87% of complaints, the analysis found, are either never formally investigated or resolved through what the report describes as "alternative resolution," which is Cornell's preferred term for a conversation that ends with everyone returning to campus.
For context, Cornell's library system currently has a 100% recovery rate on overdue books, achieved through a combination of automated email reminders, fines of up to $300, and a hold placed on a student's ability to register for classes. The library declined to comment on whether it would consider lending its infrastructure to another department.
"We take every report with the utmost seriousness," said a Cornell spokesperson, in a statement that was eleven sentences long and contained the phrase 'survivor-centered framework' four times without specifying what the framework does. "Our multi-step process ensures that all parties are heard, supported, and guided through a carefully designed pathway toward resolution."
When asked what percentage of those pathways lead somewhere, the spokesperson did not respond.
USA Today's analysis, published Thursday, made clear that Cornell is not an outlier. Across American universities, the vast majority of sexual misconduct reports quietly expire somewhere between the intake form and the outcome meeting, handled by offices that are, in many cases, staffed by fewer people than the alumni relations department.
At Cornell, the Office of Institutional Equity and Title IX employs a director, three investigators, and, according to a job listing posted in February, is still seeking a "Resolution Coordinator" who must have "demonstrated experience navigating sensitive institutional environments." The listing has been reposted six times.
The report arrives weeks after a gang rape allegation at Cornell shook the campus and reignited questions about how the university handles reports when they arrive in volume, under scrutiny, and attached to a fraternity with an active alumni donor network.
A current Cornell junior, reached for comment, said she had filed a report fourteen months ago and received three emails: one confirming receipt, one asking her to schedule an intake meeting, and one wishing her well during finals week.
"I thought maybe the third one was a mistake," she said. "But it did have my name on it, so."
Cornell's student handbook currently dedicates six pages to the academic integrity policy, including a full appendix on the distinction between paraphrasing and patchwriting. The Title IX section is two pages and includes a QR code that, as of Thursday afternoon, redirects to the university's general wellness portal.
The wellness portal features a breathing exercise.
The story we are making fun of: https://nypost.com/2026/09/30/us-news/just-13-of-cornell-sexual-misconduct-claims-lead-to-expulsion-dismissal/