Absurdity
Corporate Landlord Raises Rent 40%, Cites 'Value Added by Paint Job'
By BSN Staff, . BSN Network. Satire.
COLUMBUS, OHIO: Tenants at Harborview Commons received a lease renewal notice Tuesday stating that monthly rent would increase from $1,150 to $1,610, a 40 percent jump the property management group Crestline Residential Solutions attributed to, in its words, 'material improvements to the living environment and the corresponding uplift in asset value thereunto accruing.'
The material improvement was paint.
Specifically, one coat of Sherwin-Williams Accessible Beige, applied over a weekend in March to the shared hallway between the elevator and the stairwell exit, an area of approximately 220 square feet that smells, residents report, like a DMV and receives natural light for roughly eleven minutes each afternoon.
'We view this as a transformative moment for the property,' said Crestline Director of Portfolio Experience Derek Pfaff, in a statement that used the phrase 'value creation' four times and the word 'tenant' zero times. 'The refreshed aesthetic creates a living experience that simply commands a different price point.'
Pfaff did not respond to follow-up questions about the price point's relationship to the $340 invoice Crestline paid the painting crew, a figure a resident obtained through a public records request and immediately printed out and taped to the freshly painted wall.
The notice also included a two-page document titled 'Harborview Commons Value-Add Summary,' which contained a bar chart, a color swatch labeled 'Investment-Grade Eggshell (Accessible Beige SW 7036),' and a sentence describing the hallway as 'a curated transitional space reflecting contemporary design sensibility.' The previous design sensibility, residents noted, was a darker beige that had been there since 2009 and had a water stain shaped like the state of Nebraska.
Resident Carla Meunier, who has lived in the building for six years, said she did not notice the paint had changed until she read the lease renewal.
'I thought it was a mistake,' Meunier said. 'Then I thought it was a joke. Then I called my sister who is a lawyer and she said it wasn't either of those things, and now I'm just sort of sitting with that.'
Several residents noted that their own leases contain a clause prohibiting tenants from painting any surface, applying wallpaper, or making any alteration to the unit without written consent from management, a restriction Crestline has enforced in the past by charging a $200 restoration fee for a child's pencil mark on a doorframe.
Pfaff, in a second statement, clarified that the prohibition applies to tenant alterations specifically, and that professionally administered improvements are categorically different because they 'add rather than diminish value,' and that this distinction is 'really not that complicated.'
Crestline Residential Solutions manages 4,700 units across six states. According to its website, the company is 'committed to creating communities where people thrive,' which appears directly above a portal where people pay rent.
A tenant organizing meeting was held Thursday in unit 4C. Fourteen residents attended. One pointed out that the paint in the hallway outside the unit, the specific paint cited in the rent increase, was already starting to bubble near the fire door.
Crestline confirmed the bubble is 'under review' and said any remediation would be handled 'in a timely fashion consistent with our maintenance SLA,' which is ninety days.
The painting crew, reached separately, said the job took four hours and that they were asked to skip the primer to save time.
Meunier has begun looking at other apartments. The comparable listings in her neighborhood average $1,580 a month, which she described as 'genuinely impressive, if what you were going for was making my specific situation feel like a trap.'
She has not yet decided whether to renew.
Crestline has already ordered more Accessible Beige.
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