Absurdity
Coyote Wedged In Pittsburgh Wall Gets Faster City Response Than Any 311 Call
By Jeff Garstein, . BSN Network. Satire.
PITTSBURGH, PA. A wild coyote became wedged between two exterior walls in a Pittsburgh alleyway on Tuesday morning and was successfully extracted by animal control officers after a multi-hour operation that residents of the surrounding blocks described, without irony, as the most visible government activity they had witnessed since a water main break in 2019 that the city ultimately resolved by paving over it.
The animal, a healthy adult male estimated at 35 pounds, had entered the alley under its own power, assessed the available gaps, selected one, and proceeded forward until physics disagreed. At that point the city of Pittsburgh became involved, which is when the coyote's afternoon got longer but ultimately more organized.
Animal control, the fire department's technical rescue unit, and two officers from a department whose jurisdiction over the situation remains legally unclear all responded within the hour. A spokesperson for the city described the coordination as seamless, which is the word Pittsburgh uses when more than two agencies show up and none of them argue in front of cameras.
For comparison: a cracked retaining wall on Perrysville Avenue was reported to city maintenance in March of 2023. As of this publication, it has received two emails and a voicemail confirming that it is under review.
Steve Rannick, 54, who lives in the alley-adjacent unit and watched the operation from his kitchen window for the full duration, told reporters that he was genuinely moved. "I've never seen that many people working on one problem at the same time," he said. "I didn't know we had that."
The coyote, who has not publicly commented, was sedated, removed from the wall using a combination of specialized equipment and what one officer described on scene as "just kind of wiggling it," and transported to a wildlife rehabilitation facility in the North Hills. Officials said it appeared uninjured.
Pittsburgh Mayor Ed Gainey released a statement praising the response as an example of the city's commitment to humane and efficient wildlife management. The statement was four paragraphs. The phrase "unusual situation" appeared three times. The word "pothole" did not appear once.
Local wildlife biologist Dr. Pamela Chu, reached by phone, said the coyote's behavior was not especially surprising. "Urban coyotes explore. They miscalculate. They get into things." She paused. "Honestly the unusual part is that someone came." She said she meant that in a scientific sense and then did not elaborate.
A GoFundMe titled "Get Perrysville Wall Fixed Like The Coyote Got Fixed" had raised $340 by Tuesday evening. The campaign's stated goal is to purchase a coyote and release it adjacent to the retaining wall at dawn.
The coyote is expected to be released back into the wild within the week, at which point it will presumably be on its own again, like everyone else in Pittsburgh who is not currently stuck in a wall.
The story we are making fun of: https://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2026/09/11/Pittsburgh-coyote-trapped-walls-alley/2511789144824/