Absurdity
Squirrel Attends Ohio State Game For Free, Still Needs Police Escort Out
By Jeff Garstein, . BSN Network. Satire.
Columbus police responded to Ohio Stadium on Saturday after a squirrel entered the stands during an Ohio State Buckeyes home game and was reported to be in distress. The squirrel had not purchased a ticket. It had not tailgated. It had simply wandered in through a gate, made it approximately forty rows up, looked around at 102,000 people screaming at a football game, and, by all official accounts, lost it.
The police report describes the animal as overwhelmed, which is a clinical term that means the squirrel looked at the situation and reached the same conclusion any reasonable mammal would reach.
Officers were dispatched, located the squirrel in the stands, and performed what amounts to a welfare check on a grey squirrel who had done nothing wrong except make a navigational error. The rescue required two officers, a blanket, and the kind of focused institutional energy that Ohio State's athletic department has historically struggled to apply to, for example, its parking situation.
Ohio State Athletic Director Ross Bjork released a statement saying the university takes the safety and wellbeing of all game-day attendees seriously and that staff responded quickly and professionally to ensure a positive outcome for everyone involved. He did not specify whether the squirrel would receive a follow-up call or be placed on the mailing list for season ticket renewals.
The squirrel was removed from the stadium and released, which is what they also do with fans who pass out in the third quarter, except those fans are given a pamphlet about campus resources first.
Neighbor and OSU season ticket holder Deb Pruitt, who has held seats in section 27C for eleven years, told reporters she initially thought it was a child before realizing it was a squirrel, adding that either way she was glad someone finally did something. She did not elaborate on what she meant by finally.
It is worth noting that the squirrel got in for free, made it further into the stadium than most people with obstructed-view seats, received a personal police escort, and was released without charges. Fans who paid $214 for the same experience were told the concession line wait was forty minutes and that the app-only ordering system was, quote, still being optimized.
The Buckeyes won 38-7. The squirrel was unavailable for comment, which puts it ahead of the offensive coordinator in terms of post-game communication.
The story we are making fun of: https://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2026/09/11/Perry-Township-Ohio-State-squirrel/9691789147583/