Politics
Fighter Pilot Who Scrambled On 9/11 Now Runs The Entire Military And Has Some Thoughts
By Sean Vanity, . BSN Network. Satire.
WASHINGTON, D.C.: Gen. Dan Caine, the newly confirmed chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff and the nation's highest-ranking military officer, sat down for a reflective interview this week to share something the American public had been waiting nearly a quarter century to hear: yes, September 11, 2001 was an act of war. "No doubt," he said.
Caine, who was a young F-16 pilot scrambled into the skies over the eastern seaboard on the morning of the attacks, has now climbed every rung of the United States military to reach its absolute summit, a journey that apparently gave him just enough altitude to confirm what most people concluded around 9:05 a.m. on the day in question.
The interview is being described by producers as "deeply personal" and by everyone else as a man recounting the time he flew a jet on the most famous day in modern American history, which, to be fair, is more than most of us have.
Caine described watching the towers fall, receiving scramble orders, and experiencing the kind of clarity that only comes when someone flies a commercial airliner into a skyscraper on live television. "There was no doubt in my mind," he told interviewers, "that we were at war." He did not elaborate on what the alternative interpretation might have been.
The Pentagon issued a statement praising the general's "thoughtful engagement with history," which is the kind of phrase a building writes when it wants to say something without saying anything. A spokesperson added that Gen. Caine's perspective offers "unique operational insight into one of the defining moments of the modern era," which translates, roughly, to: he was there.
Former Defense Secretary Robert Gates, reached for comment, said Caine is "exactly the kind of leader America needs right now," and then described leadership qualities for four paragraphs without specifying a single one.
Meanwhile, retired Air Force Col. Dennis Pruitt, who flew alongside Caine in the early 2000s, told BSN the general was "always the sharpest guy in the room, even back then." When asked what specifically made him sharp, Pruitt said: "You could just tell."
Caine's confirmation as chairman was itself a notable Washington story, bypassing several more senior generals in a move that raised eyebrows across the uniformed services. The administration defended the pick on grounds that Caine represented a fresh perspective, which in Pentagon terms means he had not yet had the opportunity to publicly disagree with anyone important.
The interview has drawn praise from veterans' groups, morning television hosts, and at least one congressman who posted a clip with the caption "AMERICAN HERO" despite the clip being, functionally, a man confirming that 2001 happened.
Caine is expected to appear at further commemorative events this fall. His memoir, tentatively titled something involving either "duty," "honor," or a compass, is reportedly in early discussions with publishers.
He has not yet issued a formal position on whether the Cold War was tense.
The story we are making fun of: https://www.cbsnews.com/news/dan-caine-response-9-11-experience/