Absurdity
God Issues Official Statement After Clancy Murder Trial Ends In Mistrial
By Bruno Von Falken, . BSN Network. Satire.
HEAVEN, Eternal Realm, In the wake of a Massachusetts judge declaring a mistrial in the murder case against Lindsay Clancy, the Office of Divine Justice released a brief but pointed statement Thursday confirming that God has the matter well in hand and that all concerned parties should, in the words of the document, 'trust the process.'
The statement, two paragraphs long and printed on what a receiving clerk at the Boston Globe described as 'paper that felt somehow older than paper,' arrived simultaneously at fourteen newsrooms, three law schools, and the personal fax machine of a retired judge in Boca Raton who has not given anyone that number.
'The Lord God, Eternal Arbiter of All Things Seen and Unseen, wishes to remind the public that the conclusion of earthly proceedings does not constitute the conclusion of proceedings generally,' the statement read in part. 'The docket is current. All cases are being reviewed. There is no backlog.'
The final three words were underlined.
Legal analysts spent most of Thursday morning debating the statement's jurisdictional implications. Harvard Law professor Daniel Wren told reporters he found the language 'unusually specific for an omnipotent being,' adding that the phrase 'no backlog' suggested either supreme confidence or a familiarity with the criticisms that have dogged the American court system for decades.
'He's clearly aware of the optics,' Wren said. 'That's the part I keep coming back to.'
The statement made no reference to timelines, sentencing guidelines, or whether the divine review process includes anything resembling an appeals procedure. A follow-up question submitted by the Associated Press, asking whether God would be available for a brief call, was returned unopened with a small notation on the envelope that read 'Already answered.'
Ordinary citizens reacted with the particular combination of relief and anxiety that tends to accompany news that a very powerful entity is paying close attention.
'I guess that's good,' said Marcy Tolliver, 54, of Worcester, who had followed the trial closely. 'I just wish I knew more about his sentencing philosophy. Like, is he more restorative or punitive? That matters to me.'
A man outside the courthouse who declined to give his name said he felt 'mostly fine' about the arrangement but admitted he had spent the afternoon going back through his own life 'just to see if anything flagged.'
The Catholic Archdiocese of Boston issued a supportive statement calling God's intervention 'welcome and consistent with prior practice.' The statement from the Archdiocese was four pages long, cited seventeen biblical passages, and arrived, notably, on regular paper.
The Clancy defense team declined to comment. Prosecutors said they were consulting with the attorney general's office to determine whether a divine statement of interest had any bearing on the possibility of retrial, a question that a spokesperson for the attorney general described as 'outside our current framework.'
The White House did not respond to a request for comment, which, depending on who you ask, means nothing or everything.
As of press time, Heaven had not indicated when a final ruling might be issued, noting only that its timeline operates outside of what the statement called 'the constraints relevant to your question.'
The story we are making fun of: https://babylonbee.com/news/breaking-justice-still-in-the-hands-of-god/