Absurdity
GOP Health Committee Suggests Praying Away Pre-Existing Conditions
By BSN Staff, . BSN Network. Satire.
WASHINGTON, D.C. The House Health Subcommittee on Coverage Alternatives voted seven to four Thursday to release what members described as a "faith-forward framework" for managing chronic illness in America, recommending that patients with pre-existing conditions pursue prayer as a primary intervention before seeking, and in some documented cases instead of seeking, medical treatment.
The guidance applies to a list of forty-three conditions the document calls "spiritually addressable," including asthma, lupus, multiple sclerosis, and, in a footnote that appears to have been added after the document was already printed, clinical depression.
Subcommittee Chair Representative Dale Murchison of Kentucky, who opened Thursday's hearing by asking attendees to bow their heads for a moment that ran eleven minutes, said the framework reflected a return to "foundational American values."
"This country was not built on deductibles," Murchison told reporters. "It was built on faith, hard work, and the understanding that if something is really wrong with you, the Lord has a plan for it. We are simply formalizing that understanding into policy."
Murchison did not take questions. His communications director cited a prior commitment. The prior commitment was lunch.
The fourteen-page document, printed in a font the subcommittee selected because it "felt reverent," includes a suggested daily prayer for Type 2 diabetes, a separate invocation for congenital heart defects, and a blank field at the bottom of page eleven labeled "Other (please specify)," which staffers confirmed is intended for conditions the subcommittee has not yet assigned a prayer to but expects to address in a follow-up pamphlet, due in the third quarter, pending a scheduling conflict with Easter recess.
Insurance industry lobbyists praised the guidance within forty minutes of its release. A spokesperson for the National Health Coverage Association called the framework "a meaningful step toward empowering patients to manage their own wellness journeys through a diversified portfolio of both clinical and non-clinical resources," which is the industry's way of saying they do not intend to pay for any of this either.
Three of the seven committee members who voted in favor of the guidance are enrolled in the Federal Employees Health Benefits Program, which covers pre-existing conditions, does not require prayer as a prerequisite for filing a claim, and costs taxpayers approximately eleven thousand dollars per member per year. None of the three mentioned this during Thursday's session.
Dr. Patricia Engel, a cardiologist at George Washington University Hospital, called the guidance "medically illiterate in a way that requires real effort to achieve."
"Pre-existing conditions are not a spiritual failing," Engel said. "My patient with a bicuspid aortic valve did not get it because she doubted. She got it because she was born. The committee seems to believe that biology is subject to revision through sincerity, which is a position I would describe as ambitious."
The subcommittee's guidance does acknowledge that prayer "may not produce immediate or observable results" in all cases, and recommends that patients who fail to improve after ninety days of sustained spiritual engagement consult "a licensed pastoral counselor or similarly credentialed faith professional" before returning to their physician. The document does not specify what credential qualifies someone as a faith professional, but does note that "a strong personal track record of answered prayers" is a good starting point.
A comment period is open through the end of the month. The subcommittee has received forty-one responses so far. Thirty-nine of them cannot be printed here. One is a fax that arrived blank. One is from a woman in Tulsa with stage three rheumatoid arthritis who wrote three sentences, all of which were grammatically correct and none of which are suitable for a family publication.
A vote on whether to advance the guidance to the full committee is scheduled for next Tuesday, assuming nobody on the subcommittee needs to see a doctor before then.
This is satire. The events and quotes are invented and none of it is real news.