Absurdity
GOP Healthcare Plan Unveiled: 'Don't Get Sick, or If You Do, Die Quickly'
By BSN Staff, . BSN Network. Satire.
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- House Republicans unveiled a sweeping new healthcare proposal Thursday, describing it as the most honest approach to American medicine in a generation and asking that the media please not quote the part where it says 'die quickly.'
The plan, formally titled the American Health Freedom and Personal Accountability and Responsibility and Also Fiscal Stewardship and Dignity Restoration Act, runs to 340 pages, 339 of which are appendices defining what does not count as a pre-existing condition. Page one contains the operative text, which reads, in full: 'Don't get sick. Or if you do, die quickly.'
Representative Dale Hutchins of Oklahoma, the bill's primary sponsor, said the language had been focus-grouped extensively.
'We tested seventeen versions,' Hutchins told reporters from a hallway outside the Capitol, moving steadily away from them as he spoke. 'Earlier drafts said things like 'please try not to linger' and 'consider your loved ones.' This one tested best. People appreciated the directness. Focus group participants described it as refreshing, and two of them said it made them feel seen, which, honestly, is more than most healthcare plans do.'
The bill would replace the existing insurance framework with what the proposal calls a 'two-phase wellness journey.' Phase One is staying healthy, which the bill defines as 'the individual's responsibility, broadly construed.' Phase Two is what the bill calls 'resolution,' and the appendix defines resolution as 'any outcome that removes the patient from the cost-accrual column.'
A section titled 'Incentives for Positive Outcomes' offers a $200 tax credit to any American who has not used a doctor in the preceding calendar year. A footnote clarifies that Americans who are dead also qualify, but that their estates will need to submit Form HF-7 within ninety days and that the credit is non-transferable.
Dr. Patricia Newell, who chairs the House Healthcare Advisory Subcommittee on Frameworks and Parameters, said the plan reflected a sophisticated understanding of market forces.
'What we have found, consistently, across decades of research, is that healthcare costs money,' Newell said at a Thursday briefing, consulting notes she appeared to be reading for the first time. 'And the people who cost the most money are, by definition, the sickest people. So if you address the sick people, you address the costs. I want to be very clear that we are not saying anything beyond that. We are simply describing the math.'
When a reporter asked whether the plan included any provisions for people who became sick despite their best efforts, Newell said the bill did address that, and cited Appendix 214, which is titled 'Exceptions, Variances, and Appeals,' and which, the reporter noted, appears to be entirely blank.
'It is a living document,' Newell said.
The bill does include one concrete new programme: a national hotline, staffed from nine to five Eastern Time, Monday through Thursday, where Americans can call to be reminded that exercise is free and that stress is, quote, 'a choice you are making about your attitude.' The hotline will not connect callers to medical professionals. It will, however, offer a recorded message from a certified wellness coach named Brad, who the bill's summary describes as 'very motivating, once you get past the first part.'
Funding for the hotline has not been identified. A spokesperson said it would be covered by savings generated by the plan itself, which the Congressional Budget Office has declined to score on the grounds that the CBO does not score 'aspirational frameworks,' which is a category the CBO has invented specifically for this bill.
A small group of Republican moderates have asked leadership to amend the slogan. Their proposed replacement: 'Don't get sick, but if you do, best of luck out there.'
Negotiations are ongoing.
The bill is expected to pass committee next week, at which point it will move to the floor, where it will be debated by people who have government healthcare.
This is satire. The events and quotes are invented and none of it is real news.