Culture
Joel Embiid Earns $47 Million A Year And Just Discovered Fiber
By Bruno Von Falken, . BSN Network. Satire.
PHILADELPHIA, PA, Joel Embiid, the Philadelphia 76ers center and three-time All-NBA selection currently earning approximately $47.6 million per season, has granted his traditional pre-training-camp wellness interview, in which he announced that he has updated his diet, is lifting heavier than ever, and would like everyone to know that this year is genuinely different.
The piece, published this week under the headline "The Real-Life Diet of Joel Embiid, Who's Lifting Heavier Than Ever," runs to several hundred words and contains the kind of nutritional specificity normally reserved for clinical trials or very anxious mothers. Embiid, the reporting confirms, is eating more protein. He is also sleeping better. He has, by his own account, "dialed in" a number of things, the precise nature of which remains somewhat impressionistic but is described with tremendous confidence.
"It feels like we have a brand-new team," Embiid told the publication, a statement that Philadelphia's front office has declined to confirm, deny, or in any way engage with, possibly because the roster is, by most observable measures, quite similar to the one that finished last season in a manner the franchise has not chosen to memorialize.
The 76ers did not make a major trade this summer. They did not sign a transformative free agent. What they did do, apparently, is allow their franchise center to discover the concept of eating before noon, and the results, Embiid suggests, have been seismic.
Sources close to the training facility report that Embiid is also "moving differently," a phrase his physical trainers used four times in a single conversation, possibly because it is technically unprovable.
Nutritionist and performance coach Darnell Okafor, who was not involved with Embiid but agreed to comment generally on the phenomenon of professional athletes announcing dietary evolutions in August, told reporters: "Every year, around this time, a large man in a major market city realizes that vegetables exist. We write it up. Fans feel hope. It is a whole ecosystem."
Embiid has had a complicated relationship with the pre-season profile. In 2022 he described himself as "in the best shape of his life." In 2023 he described himself as "in the best shape of his life." In 2024, a reporter noted that he appeared to be in tremendous shape and Embiid agreed, at length. This year's entry introduces the concept of fiber, which Embiid credits with changing "everything," and which has been available at most grocery stores since before he was born.
The 76ers begin their pre-season schedule in October. Embiid has said he is excited, focused, and eating more intentionally than at any prior point in his professional career, which is a sentence that costs the franchise nothing and costs the fanbase approximately everything.
Philadelphia has not won an NBA championship since 1983. The sweet potatoes are, by all accounts, excellent.
The story we are making fun of: https://www.gq.com/story/joel-embiid-real-life-diet-training