Absurdity
Kiss Cam Operator Refuses To End Broadcast Until All 32,000 Fans Have Kissed Someone
By Bruno Von Falken, . BSN Network. Satire.
LOS ANGELES, CA. A minor league Kiss Cam segment at Crypto.com Arena descended into what arena officials are calling an "unplanned extended fan engagement opportunity" Tuesday night after Kiss Cam operator Dale Pruitt, 44, of Reseda, California, refused to surrender the camera until all 32,000 fans in attendance had kissed someone on screen.
Pruitt, a seventeen-year veteran of the arena's game operations department, reportedly locked the camera output to the main scoreboard feed at approximately 8:14 PM during a Clippers timeout in the first quarter and told his supervisor, via intercom, that he was "not moving on" until the job was finished.
The Clippers, who trailed the Suns by nine at the time of the incident, have not played a single minute of basketball since.
As of press time, 7,400 fans have been successfully captured on camera kissing a spouse, a stranger, a child, a hot dog, or in one case a commemorative Kawhi Leonard bobblehead that the man kissed directly on the mouth with what witnesses described as genuine tenderness.
"We've been very clear with Dale that the segment is traditionally ninety seconds long," said VP of Fan Experience Todd Bramwell, reading from a laminated card that suggested he had prepared for this exact scenario. "That said, we deeply respect his commitment to comprehensive fan inclusion and are exploring all available pathways to resolution."
Pruitt, speaking through the glass of the camera booth, told reporters that he had a spreadsheet.
The spreadsheet, which arena staff photographed through the window and shared with local media, contains seat numbers for all 32,000 fans in attendance sorted by section, row, and estimated kissability. Fans seated alone have been flagged in yellow. Fans wearing opposing team jerseys have been flagged in red with a note reading "still counts."
"I've been doing this job for seventeen years," Pruitt told the Los Angeles Times via a crack in the booth window. "Seventeen years of showing three couples, two of whom are clearly not enjoying it, and then cutting away. Tonight we finish what we started."
The Clippers issued a statement at halftime, which the arena has not yet reached, reading in part: "We are aware of the situation and are committed to delivering a world-class entertainment experience for our fans, which we define broadly."
Not everyone in the arena has been cooperative. Section 214 has organized into what witnesses described as a "kiss refusal bloc," with approximately forty fans crossing their arms and staring directly at the camera in silence. Pruitt reportedly zoomed in on them for eleven minutes straight without comment before moving on. He has them circled on the spreadsheet.
Several couples who arrived separately and do not know each other have been paired by Pruitt through what he calls "proximity logic." At least two of those pairings have exchanged numbers. One man proposed to a woman in Row F who he met forty minutes ago during the segment. She said she needed to think about it. Pruitt kept the camera on her.
The arena's food vendors ran out of beer at the two-hour mark. Pretzel sales, however, have never been stronger.
Los Angeles Fire Department representatives arrived at 10:20 PM and confirmed they had no jurisdiction over Kiss Cam operations. They stayed to watch.
Referee Marc Davis, still standing at center court with the ball under his arm, told reporters he was being paid by the hour and had no strong feelings either way.
At last count, 24,600 fans remain unkissed.
Pruitt has a thermos.
The story we are making fun of: https://theonion.com/kiss-cam-operator-not-going-to-stop-until-all-32000-fans-have-kissed/