Absurdity
LeBron James initially wanted to play for New York.
By BSN Staff, . BSN Network. Satire.
NEW YORK, NY, Thursday. LeBron James, the four-time NBA champion, four-time Finals MVP, and two-time Olympic gold medalist, initially wanted to play for the New York Knicks, according to sources familiar with his thinking at a point in time that was not specified and cannot be independently verified.
The Knicks have not won a championship since 1973.
James, who went on to win titles with Miami, Cleveland, and Los Angeles, reportedly expressed the preference early in his career, before any of those other things happened. The full arc of subsequent events was not available to him at the time.
"We are aware of the report," said a Knicks spokesperson in a statement issued Thursday afternoon, "and we appreciate LeBron's interest. We would like to take this opportunity to say that we are confident things would have gone differently."
The spokesperson did not specify differently from what.
Knicks head coach Tom Thibodeau, reached for comment in what witnesses described as a hallway, said the organization was "excited" and "moving forward" and that James was "a great player" and "this is basketball," before being led away by an assistant who appeared to have done this before.
In Madison Square Garden, several season ticket holders gathered spontaneously to discuss what trade package they would have demanded for him by 2008. Consensus settled on Carmelo Anthony, though Carmelo Anthony would not arrive in New York until 2011, which the group acknowledged was a logistical problem before ordering another round.
"We would have gotten three first-rounders for him easy," said one fan, Darren Kozlowski, 47, who has attended Knicks games since 1999 and watched them win a combined zero championships in that time. "Easy. Isiah would have moved him for a point guard and like a conditional pick and the pick would've been protected top-three so we never would have gotten it, but still. We would have been involved."
Isiah Thomas, who served as Knicks president from 2003 to 2008 and supervised a period of franchise history that NBA historians have described as "a thing that happened," released a statement saying he was proud of what the team had built and that James was "a fine young man" and that there were "a lot of factors."
James himself was not reached for comment. His representatives confirmed he was "aware that New York exists."
The New York City Council introduced a resolution Thursday evening honoring LeBron James for his initial desire to play for the Knicks, calling it "a moment of genuine affection for this city that we are grateful to have on record." The resolution passed 38 to 12, with four abstentions from members who said they were Lakers fans and felt the whole thing was in bad taste.
The Knicks begin the regular season in October. Their current roster has not been described as a contender by anyone who was being careful with the word.
This is satire. The events and quotes are invented and none of it is real news.