Absurdity
Local Woman Wakes Before Noon Once and Calls Herself a Biohacker
By BSN Staff, . BSN Network. Satire.
PORTLAND, Ore. (BSN) Madison Kreel, a freelance brand consultant and self-described "wellness architect," declared herself a biohacker this week after waking up at 11:47 a.m. on a Tuesday, approximately three hours earlier than her documented average.
Kreel made the announcement on Instagram, where she has 2,300 followers, in a post that read: "Day one of my morning protocol. Optimizing for peak cortisol response. The grind is internal. #blessed" The photograph accompanying the post showed a mostly cloudy sky above a Whole Foods parking structure.
She had gone to bed at 4:15 a.m. after watching a documentary about sleep science.
"I've done a lot of research," Kreel told BSN. "Like, a lot. I know what adenosine is. I know what it does. I looked it up twice." She then asked if BSN had heard of Andrew Huberman, and did not wait for an answer.
The biohacking community, a loose coalition of people who eat beef tallow and describe eating breakfast as "a data point," has not formally responded to Kreel's membership application, largely because there is no membership application, a structural flaw several forum users described as "an optimization opportunity."
Dr. Renata Osei, a sleep medicine physician at OHSU who was not involved in Kreel's case and asked to be quoted as briefly as possible, said that waking before noon is, clinically speaking, "just waking up." She added that the human body does not require a protocol. She then ended the interview.
Kreel's roommate, Britt Samuels, 27, confirmed that the previous nineteen mornings had begun between 1:00 and 3:30 p.m., and that on one occasion Kreel had described 2:45 p.m. as "basically morning if you think about it subjectively."
"She texted me at noon to say she was 'already up and moving,' " Samuels said. "She was eating cereal over the sink in a hoodie. She had not moved."
Kreel's post went on to outline her new morning stack, which consists of water, a vitamin D gummy she describes as "pharmaceutical-grade" because she bought it at Erewhon, and "ten minutes of intention-setting," which Samuels confirmed is Kreel lying on the bathroom floor looking at her phone.
The post has since been shared by three wellness accounts, one of which has 80,000 followers and a link in bio selling a cortisol quiz.
Kreel said she plans to wake up before noon again "probably this week, depending on how my recovery metrics look." She does not own a fitness tracker. She is considering buying one, which she also described as "part of the protocol."
As of press time, she had napped.
The story we are making fun of: https://reductress.com/post/biohacker-this-woman-woke-up-before-noon/