Absurdity
Man Asking What You Do For Work Actually Conducting Live Respect Audit
By Jeff Garstein, . BSN Network. Satire.
SCOTTSDALE, AZ. A man identified as Derek Paulsen, 34, a self-described consultant, spent approximately four hours at a housewarming party Saturday conducting what behavioral researchers are now calling an unsanctioned live respect audit, using the question "so what do you do" as his primary diagnostic instrument.
Paulsen reportedly approached seventeen separate guests over the course of the evening. In each case, witnesses say, his posture, vocal warmth, and willingness to maintain eye contact shifted measurably within seconds of receiving an answer.
A kindergarten teacher named Brenna recalled that Paulsen's smile "just kind of drained" the moment she finished her sentence. "He nodded once and then looked over my shoulder for the rest of the conversation," she said. "I don't think he technically left. He just stopped being there."
A regional sales director named Todd, by contrast, reported that Paulsen "basically grabbed my arm" and suggested they "grab a beer and really talk." Todd described the encounter as pleasant. Todd is doing great.
Paulsen himself, when reached for comment, denied that the question carried any evaluative intent. "I'm just a curious person," he said. "I love hearing about people's passions." He then asked a follow-up question about whether the passions came with equity.
Experts say Paulsen is not an anomaly. Dr. Francine Gelb, a sociologist at the University of Arizona who has spent twelve years studying what she calls "the American Sorting Handshake," says the what-do-you-do question is less an expression of interest and more a portable class scanner that everyone pretends is a pleasantry.
"The remarkable thing is that nobody admits this is what it is," Dr. Gelb said. "We have constructed an entire social ritual whose only function is rapid status assignment, and we have agreed, collectively, to call it getting to know someone. It is extraordinary. I find it very difficult to go to parties."
The party's host, a woman named Cassandra who works in nonprofit fundraising, said she noticed the dynamic early in the evening but chose not to intervene. "I mean, what do you say," she said. "Hey Derek, stop sorting my guests? He'd just say he wasn't sorting them. And then he'd sort me for saying it."
Several guests reported attempting to subvert the audit by answering vaguely. A freelance illustrator named Marcus said he tried describing himself as "working in visual media" and watched Paulsen's face run through what Marcus described as "five emotions in under a second, like a slot machine settling on a lemon."
A man who said he was between things was escorted, socially, to the kitchen.
The party also featured a cheese board, which received no formal evaluation and was considered by all parties to be excellent.
Paulsen left around eleven. He shook hands with Todd. He waved at the general area where Brenna was standing.
Brenna drove home alone, which she said was actually fine.
The story we are making fun of: https://reductress.com/post/stranger-at-party-asking-what-you-do-actually-asking-if-they-should-respect-you/