Absurdity
Man Tracking 490 Required Forgivenesses Loses Count At 73, Must Start Over
By BSN Staff, . BSN Network. Satire.
CAPERNAUM, JUDEA, Peter the Apostle announced Wednesday that he has reset his forgiveness counter to zero after losing track of the official tally somewhere in the low seventies, a setback that pushes his completion date back by an estimated three to four years depending on the frequency of future offenses.
The neighbor in question, a man named Oren, has reportedly been borrowing Peter's fishing net without asking, returning it slightly damp, and denying all knowledge of any net-related activity whatsoever.
"Seventy times seven," Peter confirmed to reporters, citing the explicit figure provided by Jesus during a recent teaching. "That's the number. I didn't pick it. I asked if seven was enough and was told, specifically, no."
Peter had developed what he described as a reliable tracking system involving a row of small stones arranged outside his door, one stone per forgiveness, which he would recount each morning to maintain an accurate running total.
On Tuesday, a neighbor's goat dismantled the entire archive in under four minutes.
"I had seventy-three stones," Peter said. "I'm almost certain it was seventy-three. It may have been sixty-eight. I remember thinking it was a significant number when I laid the last one down, but I cannot tell you why I thought that, and I can no longer verify it."
He has since restarted the count at one, which required forgiving Oren again specifically for the incident that prompted the restart, a procedural matter Peter described as "theologically irritating."
Oren, reached for comment outside his own home, said he was unaware there had ever been any ongoing forgiveness process and expressed surprise that he was apparently the subject of a multi-year spiritual accounting project.
"I thought we were fine," Oren said. "He waves to me."
"The waving is part of the process," Peter clarified.
A spokesperson for the broader apostolic community issued a statement saying the group remains "committed to the values of grace, mercy, and the thorough documentation thereof" and noted that several members have now begun using wax tablets for forgiveness tracking following the stone incident.
Thaddaeus, who declined to give his full name, said he personally records each forgiveness with a brief notation including date, nature of offense, and whether a sincere apology was offered, which he rates on a scale from one to four.
"Four means they looked you in the eye," Thaddaeus said. "Most of them are twos."
Jesus was not available for comment, though sources close to the situation said he had already been informed and responded by asking a question about a shepherd and some sheep that those present felt did not quite address the logistical problem at hand.
Peter said he bears Oren no ill will and intends to complete all four hundred and ninety forgivenesses as instructed, adding only that he would appreciate it if Oren could "maybe do the thing less often" while the process is ongoing.
Oren has not confirmed he will do the thing less often.
The goat was unavailable for comment and, according to Peter, does not yet know what it has done.
The story we are making fun of: https://babylonbee.com/news/oh-no-peter-forgives-neighbor-73-times-but-then-lost-count-and-now-hes-got-to-start-over/