Absurdity
Mick Jagger Holds Press Conference To Confirm He Is Still Extremely Horny
By BSN Staff, . BSN Network. Satire.
LONDON: Rolling Stones frontman Mick Jagger convened a formal press conference at a central London hotel Tuesday to address what his communications team called an "emerging narrative" suggesting the 83-year-old rock icon may have, at some point, become less horny.
He has not.
"I want to be absolutely clear," Jagger told approximately forty journalists, several of whom had not been alive when he was first horny. "The situation is ongoing. It has not changed. If anything, the situation has escalated."
His publicist, Eleanor Fitch, confirmed that the decision to hold the conference came after Jagger noticed a headline describing him as "elder statesman of rock," a phrase he reportedly read aloud three times before asking someone to explain what had gone wrong.
"Mick felt the word 'statesman' required a response," Fitch said. "This is that response."
Journalists at the event were each handed a laminated single-page document upon entry. The document, prepared by an unnamed third party and printed on Rolling Stones letterhead, contained a comparative chart of Jagger's "vitality indicators" measured against a composite average man aged 45. Jagger outperformed the composite in seven of nine categories. The two categories were not disclosed. Reporters who asked were told the question was "outside the scope of today's briefing."
Dave Pellegrino, a music writer for a mid-size entertainment publication who attended the briefing, said he went in expecting tour dates.
"I did not get tour dates," Pellegrino said. "I got a laminated chart and about twelve minutes of Mick making sustained eye contact with different parts of the room. I'm not going to say it wasn't effective. I'm just saying I wasn't prepared for it."
Jagger took questions for approximately twenty-five minutes. The questions were almost exclusively about the new album. Jagger answered approximately none of them about the album.
"People ask about legacy," he said at one point, apparently in response to a question about production credits. "Legacy is for people who've stopped. I haven't stopped. I want to be very clear about what I haven't stopped doing."
A reporter from a European outlet asked Jagger whether, at 83, he felt any pressure to, as the reporter put it, "wind down." Jagger stared at the reporter for a period witnesses described as ranging from four to eleven seconds, depending on whom you ask.
"Wind down," Jagger repeated.
"Wind down," the reporter confirmed.
Jagger then said something in response that his publicist later asked three outlets not to print verbatim. All three outlets declined her request.
Dr. Patricia Howe, a gerontologist at University College London who was not present at the event but was sent the laminated chart by a journalist, reviewed the document and said she had questions about its methodology but conceded the overall picture was, and she used this word carefully, "plausible."
"I've seen less convincing self-assessments from men forty years younger," she said. "I'm not endorsing the chart. I'm saying I've seen the chart and I understand why he printed it."
The press conference concluded when Jagger stood, thanked no one in particular, and left through a side door with a purposefulness that several attendees described, unprompted, as "annoying."
The new album comes out in the spring.
Nobody asked about it.
The story we are making fun of: https://thehardtimes.net/music/rock/mick-jagger-assures-concerned-fans-hes-still-super-horny-at-83/