Absurdity
Pembroke Pines Man Discovers Ancient Eastern Cuisine Inside Super Dragon Buffet
By BSN Staff, . BSN Network. Satire.
PEMBROKE PINES, FL: Carl Breuninger had been planning the trip for weeks.
Not the trip to Super Dragon #1, specifically. The trip, as he described it to his wife on the drive over, to "the ancient culinary traditions of a civilization that was refining its palate while Europe was still figuring out bread."
Super Dragon #1 is located between a Supercuts and a mattress liquidator on Pines Boulevard. It has been open since 2003. The lunch buffet is $11.99, or $13.99 on weekends, which Breuninger called "honestly a steal for this level of authenticity."
"I don't just eat," Breuninger explained, holding a plate containing one crab rangoon, a small hill of General Tso's chicken, and what he believed to be a traditional Cantonese preparation of something. "I experience. There's a difference."
He is the only person in his social circle who makes this distinction.
Breuninger arrived at 11:47 a.m. and spent the first thirteen minutes in what he later called a "reconnaissance pass," walking the full length of the buffet with his hands clasped behind his back, nodding slowly at each tray. He did not take any food during this pass. He did ask a staff member named Kevin whether the hot and sour soup was made from scratch that morning. Kevin said yes. This was not true.
Other diners report that Breuninger said the word "fascinating" out loud, to no one, at least four times.
"He kept stopping and just, like, staring at the dumplings," said Patricia Howell, 41, who was seated nearby with her two children and had come primarily for the soft serve machine. "At one point I thought he was going to cry."
Breuninger did not cry. He did, however, close his eyes for a moment after his first bite of egg roll, and he did describe the experience later as "transporting."
The egg roll was made by a food service supplier in Moonachie, New Jersey.
SuperDragon owner Michael Tam, who has operated the restaurant for twenty-two years and holds a business degree from Florida International University, said he had no comment on the specific customer but wished everyone a pleasant dining experience.
A spokesperson for the Greater Fort Lauderdale Culinary Explorers Society, of which Breuninger is a founding member and current treasurer, issued a brief statement confirming that his visit would be logged as an official expedition in the club's records. The club has fourteen members. Seven of them are Breuninger's immediate family, who joined under what several have described as sustained social pressure.
By 12:30, Breuninger had completed three full plates and was on his fourth pass of the buffet, which he described as "going deeper." He had identified the fried rice as "probably Yangzhou-influenced" and the spare ribs as "very Cantonese in spirit, though adapted for the local palate," a phrase he used twice, to strangers, unprompted.
He tipped twenty percent, which is generous for a buffet and which he mentioned on the drive home.
He is already planning a return visit to explore what he called the "back half of the steam tray situation," which he felt he had not given adequate attention.
His wife had a salad at home.
The story we are making fun of: https://babylonbee.com/news/adventurous-gourmet-samples-the-exotic-delicacies-of-the-far-east-at-local-chinese-buffet/