Culture
Prince William's Feelings Are Now Officially Managed By Piers Morgan
By Bruno Von Falken, . BSN Network. Satire.
Prince William is reportedly furious at Prince Harry over a series of attacks on the royal family that Harry has been conducting, with great commitment and a Netflix deal, for the better part of four years. This is not disputed. What is disputed, or ought to be, is who authorized Piers Morgan to announce it.
Morgan, appearing in his familiar capacity as a man who has strong feelings about other people's feelings, informed the public this week that William is "incandescent with anger" and that any reunion at this year's Diana anniversary documentary would be, in his professional estimation, extremely unlikely. He delivered this assessment with the serene confidence of a man who has the direct line, the personal relationship, and the emotional access that would be required to know any of this. He has none of those things.
William and Morgan have not, by any available public record, spoken in years. The last notable Morgan-Windsor interaction was the period during which Morgan was Prince Harry's closest confidant, a friendship Harry ended, a betrayal Morgan has been processing publicly ever since with the energy of a man who will not stop texting. To recap the family tree: Morgan was Harry's friend. Harry left. Morgan now covers the feud on behalf of William. This is, emotionally, the structure of a hostage situation.
And yet here we are. The future King of England, a man with an actual communications apparatus, a palace staff, and access to every newspaper in Britain, has apparently outsourced his inner life to a television presenter who once wept on air because Meghan Markle did not say good morning to him and was then fired for it. The man is not a royal correspondent. He is a grievance with a broadcast licence.
For his part, Harry has spent the anniversary of his mother's death preparing a documentary that, sources suggest, will revisit the circumstances of Diana's life and death with the particular freshness of someone who has already made two documentaries, a memoir, and several podcast episodes on the subject. There is, it must be said, an extraordinary amount of material. Harry is not running out. If anything, he appears to be accelerating.
This troubles William, reportedly, though again we are relying on Morgan for this. What troubles Bruno is something slightly different: the idea that the British public is meant to take seriously an argument between two men about their mother's legacy, as reported by a third man who was friends with one of them until that one stopped returning his calls, and who now appears to have transferred his loyalty entirely to the other without either of them asking him to.
Royal commentator and professional Diana authority Angela Levin, reached for comment in the way that royal commentators are always reachable for comment because this is their entire industry, said this week that the rift is "deeply painful for the institution" and that both brothers need to "consider their mother's legacy." She did not explain why the institution's feelings outrank the brothers' feelings about their actual mother, but this is the kind of detail the royal commentary ecosystem does not pause for.
Meanwhile, William is incandescent. Harry is defiant. Piers Morgan is, as always, the most important person in the room.
He is also, it should be noted, the only one of the three who seems to be enjoying himself.
The story we are making fun of: https://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/prince-william-incandescent-anger-prince-harry-diana-anniversary-deepens-royal-rift-piers-morgan