Absurdity
Red State Regulates Uteruses More Strictly Than Semi-Automatic Weapons
By BSN Staff, . BSN Network. Satire.
NASHVILLE, TN. The Tennessee state legislature voted 74 to 22 Thursday to pass the Reproductive Organ Safety and Accountability Act, a sweeping piece of legislation that subjects the uterus to stricter regulatory oversight than any firearm currently sold in the state of Tennessee, including several that have their own Instagram accounts.
The bill, which takes effect January 1, classifies the uterus as a quote "high-capacity biological system with demonstrated potential for unsanctioned output" and requires all residents possessing one to register it with the Department of Health within 30 days, submit to biannual state inspections conducted by a licensed compliance officer, carry a minimum of $500,000 in reproductive liability insurance, and complete a state-approved 14-hour safety course before making any reproductive decision, including, per Section 7(b), "the decision not to decide."
Semi-automatic weapons purchased at any of Tennessee's 1,400 licensed firearms dealers require a federal background check that takes an average of four minutes and, in 38 percent of private sales, nothing at all.
"We are simply applying common-sense accountability to one of the most powerful and frankly unpredictable systems operating on Tennessee soil," said Rep. Dale Hufford, who sponsored the bill and who, when asked during a committee hearing to identify the fallopian tubes on a laminated diagram, identified the kidneys.
The compliance inspection, which must be conducted by a state-certified Uterine Safety Officer, or USO, a credential that did not exist before Tuesday, will assess the organ for what the bill describes as "unauthorized modification, improper storage, and failure to secure against unauthorized access." The inspection fee is $340. An appeal of a failed inspection costs $680 and must be submitted in triplicate to an office in Knoxville that is open Tuesdays and alternate Thursdays.
The bill's supporters argue the legislation is a matter of public safety, public health, and what Rep. Hufford described in a floor speech as "the basic Tennessee value of knowing what your neighbors are doing inside their own bodies at all times."
For context: Tennessee has no waiting period for the purchase of a handgun. There is no permit required to carry one openly in public. A person may legally purchase a firearm the same afternoon they are released from a psychiatric hold, provided the hold was voluntary, which the state defines as any hold the person did not actively fight.
The new law requires uterus owners to notify the state within 72 hours of a pregnancy, miscarriage, or, in language that took three attorneys to parse, "any uterine event of note." Failure to report carries a fine of up to $10,000. The bill does not define "note."
Dr. Patricia Osei, an OB-GYN at Vanderbilt University Medical Center who has delivered over 3,000 babies and who was not consulted during the drafting, reviewing, or passage of the bill, described the legislation as "the most aggressively specific thing I have ever read about a body part written by people who have clearly never been near one."
The state's Firearms Industry Trade Association released a statement praising the legislature for its "commitment to regulatory balance" and noted that gun owners remain, as always, unburdened by equivalent requirements, a phrase the organization used without apparent irony.
Rep. Hufford told reporters after the vote that he is already drafting companion legislation that would require uteruses to be stored unloaded in a locked case when not in use.
When a reporter asked how that would work, he said he would refer the question to the newly created USO training board, which has not yet met, has no members, and is currently sharing office space with the Tennessee Canoe Safety Commission in a building that also contains a Subway.
The compliance manual is 94 pages. The gun purchase form is one.
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