Politics
Silicon Valley Billionaire Pays $9.6 Billion For Men To Run Into Each Other
By BSN Staff, . BSN Network. Satire.
RENTON, Wash. (BSN): Vinod Khosla, a man who has spent his professional life funding software that eliminates the need for human labor, announced Thursday that he has spent $9.612 billion to employ several hundred humans whose primary job function is to collide with one another at full speed.
The Khosla family described the purchase as "the next chapter," which is the phrase people use when they have done something that requires explanation but do not wish to provide one.
"We are honored and excited," the family said in a statement, covering both the emotional bases available to someone who has just written a check larger than the GDP of several sovereign nations.
The sale closed eight days after NFL owners approved it, which is eight days longer than it takes most people to decide on a sandwich.
Vinod Khosla will serve as chair. His wife Neeru will serve as controlling owner and president of the Seahawks Charitable Foundation, a title that contains the word "charitable" in the context of an organization that just received nine and a half billion dollars. Their son Neal will serve as vice chair, a position that has existed in American business for over a century without anyone fully agreeing on what it means.
The family also announced twelve co-owners, a number that suggests either a genuinely democratic approach to NFL franchise governance or a situation in which Vinod Khosla made several phone calls he now cannot get out of.
The co-owner list includes Penny Pritzker, a former U.S. Secretary of Commerce, and something called Dynasty Equity, which sounds like a private equity firm that named itself after a television show about people who are too rich to be happy. Both will now have opinions about the offensive line.
The Seahawks were sold in accordance with the wishes of late owner Paul Allen, whose estate initiated the process in February. Allen, who co-founded Microsoft, built a fortune on the idea that computers would change everything. His estate has now confirmed that everything includes professional football.
Khosla Ventures, Vinod Khosla's firm, has previously invested in artificial intelligence, clean energy, and biotechnology. The Seahawks run a 4-3 defense. These two facts now belong to the same balance sheet.
A spokesperson for the NFL described the transaction as "a seamless transition reflective of the league's commitment to stable, long-term ownership structures," which is what the NFL says whenever someone hands it ten billion dollars without causing a visible scandal.
Fans in Seattle, known formally to the franchise as "the 12s" and informally to the new ownership as "an asset," expressed cautious optimism in the parking lot outside Lumen Field.
"I just want them to care about winning," said one man in a Russell Wilson jersey, apparently unaware of several things simultaneously.
The Seahawks are the reigning Super Bowl champions. They are now worth, on paper, $9.612 billion. They will play their first game under new ownership in approximately three weeks.
The scoreboard will still only go to 99.
The story we are making fun of: https://apnews.com/article/seahawks-sale-khosla-0a46edcaa7533dad8217ba79a02112ea