Absurdity
Local Man Asks Church What The Prayers Of A Pretty Average Sinner Actually Availeth
By Jeff Garstein, . BSN Network. Satire.
PANHANDLE, TX: Josh Peterson, a 34-year-old accounts receivable coordinator and self-described "B-minus Christian," has spent the better part of three weeks attempting to determine whether his prayers count, avail, or do anything measurable at all, after a close reading of James 5:16 revealed that the verse's core promise is addressed specifically to the righteous.
The verse, which states that "the prayer of a righteous man availeth much," does not specify what the prayer of a man who once lied about having read the whole book of Revelation availeth. Peterson considers this a significant oversight.
"I'm not out here committing crimes," Peterson told BSN Network from his kitchen, where a cross hangs above the refrigerator and a mostly full bottle of Jim Beam sits on the counter below it. "But I also know I'm not what you'd call righteous in the classical sense. So where does that leave me, prayer-wise? What's the conversion rate? Is it like, half? A third? Do my prayers availeth some?"
Peterson said the crisis began after his small group Bible study reached the fifth chapter of James in late March. His group leader, Darren Hobbs, read the verse aloud and moved on without comment. Peterson could not.
"Darren said it like it answered everything," Peterson said. "But it only answers everything if you're righteous. What about the rest of us? What about the people who are trying, generally, but had a really bad Q4 attitude-wise?"
Peterson has since submitted written questions to his pastor, Rev. Mike Luttrell of First Baptist Panhandle, who reportedly responded with a three-minute voicemail describing grace as "a big tent" and promising to circle back. He has not circled back.
Peterson also posted his question to a Bible Gateway Facebook thread, where he received seventeen replies, four of which quoted James 5:16 back to him without elaboration, six of which told him to pray more, and one of which said simply "Jesus" with a red heart emoji.
Theological commentator and lifestyle brand founder Pastor Brad Cummings, who has 1.4 million Instagram followers and recently released a devotional called "Fully Availeth," addressed what he called a "really common" misconception in a reel posted Tuesday.
"Here's the thing, right, and this is so good," Cummings said, standing in front of a white wall with intentional lighting, "is that righteous doesn't mean perfect. It means positioned. And when you're positioned, bro, you are so positioned. That's availment. That's the whole thing."
Peterson watched the reel twice and reported that he felt more confused than before, but also briefly motivated.
Dr. Elaine Forsythe, a professor of New Testament studies at a regional seminary who agreed to speak with BSN Network on the condition that we describe her credentials accurately, said the question Peterson is asking is, quote, "not actually that simple" and has occupied serious theologians for centuries.
"The text is making a qualitative claim, not a quantitative one," Forsythe said. "It is not a sliding scale of availment based on your righteousness percentile. But I will also say that most people who use the word 'availeth' in everyday conversation are already doing something theologically unusual."
Peterson said he has not stopped praying during the investigation. He is praying, he said, but now with what he described as "a footnote" attached to each prayer acknowledging that he cannot personally verify his own righteousness and is therefore flagging this prayer as potentially limited in its availment.
"I figure God knows the situation," he said. "I'm just being transparent about it. If anything, I think that's the righteous move."
Rev. Luttrell has not called back.
The story we are making fun of: https://babylonbee.com/news/man-wondering-what-the-prayers-of-a-not-so-righteous-man-availeth/