Politics
Texas AG Ken Paxton Announces He Is Now Personally In Charge Of All The Eggs
By BSN Staff, . BSN Network. Satire.
AUSTIN, TX, The office of Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton, best known for its long and colorful history of federal indictments, impeachment trials, and alleged extramarital affairs with people Paxton then tried to get jobs for, announced this week that it has pivoted to a bold new area of public service: eggs.
Paxton confirmed that 1.7 million eggs have already been distributed to Texas food banks as part of a settlement, with 5.3 million more currently in transit. The settlement itself was reached after Paxton's office sued over price-fixing in the egg industry, which is, genuinely, a thing that happened, and which Paxton is now treating as his moon landing.
"This is a historic moment for Texas families," Paxton said at a press conference where he stood next to a pallet of eggs like a man who has never been more comfortable in his professional life. He did not take questions about the bribery allegations. He did not take questions about the impeachment. He took questions about eggs.
The egg industry, for its part, is thrilled to be the subject of any news cycle that does not involve them. The companies named in the original price-fixing suit had allegedly coordinated to drive up egg costs for ordinary consumers, which is exactly the kind of scheme that sounds unhinged until you remember that eggs cost four dollars apiece now and someone had to be responsible for that.
Meanwhile, the food banks receiving the eggs have expressed genuine gratitude, which puts journalists in the uncomfortable position of having to report that Ken Paxton did, technically, something helpful. Volunteers at distribution centers across Texas confirmed the eggs are real, are edible, and did not arrive accompanied by any request for personal loyalty.
"We're just grateful," said one food bank coordinator in Houston, who then paused for a long time in a way that suggested she had more thoughts she had decided not to share.
Paxton's office did not clarify who negotiated the settlement, who filed the original motion, or how many attorneys in the AG's office did the actual legal work while Paxton was occupied with his various personal situations. A spokesperson described the distribution as "the Attorney General's commitment to fighting for everyday Texans," which is a sentence that was written by a human being and then released to the public.
In fairness, seven million eggs is a lot of eggs. It is approximately the number of eggs you would picture if someone asked you to imagine more eggs than you have ever seen. Texas food banks serve millions of people, many of whom are genuinely struggling, and free protein arriving at scale is not nothing. The settlement is real. The eggs are real. Ken Paxton's name is on the press release in very large letters.
Political analysts note that the egg announcement comes at a moment when Paxton's approval ratings have faced pressure and his long-term political ambitions remain unclear. Several observers pointed out that overseeing the arrival of millions of eggs is, statistically speaking, the most unambiguously positive thing Paxton has been publicly associated with since taking office.
The 5.3 million remaining eggs are expected to arrive in the coming weeks.
Paxton has reportedly already asked his team what else has a lot of units.
The story we are making fun of: https://www.foxnews.com/politics/texas-attorney-general-ken-paxton-announces-distribution-more-than-7-million-free-eggs-statewide