Absurdity
The war in Iran is now entering month number 7 of being totally over.
By BSN Staff, . BSN Network. Satire.
WASHINGTON, D.C.: The war in Iran, which ended completely and decisively in the spring and has continued to be completely and decisively over every day since, crossed a significant threshold this week as officials confirmed it is now entering its seventh consecutive month of being totally over.
The milestone was announced in a statement from the Office of Post-Conflict Resolution and Ongoing Post-Conflict Resolution, a body established in May to oversee the war's conclusion and staffed, as of this month, by four hundred and twelve people.
"We are extremely proud of where we are," said General Raymond Stills, Deputy Commander of Central Command and author of the original April declaration of total victory. "Seven months ago, the war ended. It has continued to end. Every morning I come in, it has ended again. It is, I would say, the most consistently concluded conflict in the modern era."
Defense Secretary Harold Pruitt told reporters the administration remains committed to the post-war framework, which currently involves 38,000 troops, daily air operations, a naval carrier group in the Gulf, and a forward operating base outside Tabriz that opened in June and has been described in budget documents as a "temporary post-hostility presence facility" with a forty-year lease.
Critics have noted that the war's conclusion has now outlasted several wars that did not end.
"Most wars, when they're over, you notice a difference," said Dr. Ellen Marsh, a conflict studies professor at Georgetown who asked to be quoted carefully because she has to fly through Dulles on Thursday. "This one ended and then became, operationally, slightly louder."
The State Department has asked allies to refrain from calling it a war, citing the April declaration, but acknowledged in a separate cable that the word "hostilities" may remain technically applicable "in a localized and non-war-related capacity."
Congress has so far appropriated seventy-four billion dollars for post-war operations, which the Pentagon distinguishes from war funding on the grounds that it is spent after the war, which is over.
The administration is expected to mark the seventh-month anniversary with a ceremony at which General Stills will confirm, again, that the war ended in April, that it remains ended, and that the next quarterly review will assess whether it is still ended, which officials expect it to be.
A spokesperson for the National Security Council said the president is proud of how over it is.
"He declared it over and it has stayed over," the spokesperson said. "That is what winning looks like. Some wars end and then something else happens. This one ended and then the ending continued. That is a better outcome."
Month eight begins on Friday.
This is satire. The events and quotes are invented and none of it is real news.