Absurdity
Trump assures Americans the El Nino will have no effect.
By BSN Staff, . BSN Network. Satire.
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Donald Trump stepped to the podium in the White House briefing room Tuesday afternoon to deliver what aides described as a "preventive reassurance" regarding the El Nino weather system currently developing over the equatorial Pacific, a meteorological event that approximately 34 percent of Americans can locate on a map and zero percent had expressed concern about that morning.
"It's going to be fine," Trump told reporters. "El Nino, I know El Nino very well. I've dealt with El Nino. Some people are saying it's the worst El Nino in history, but I'm telling you it's not going to affect us. It's not going to affect you. It's going to have no effect. That I can tell you."
When asked by a reporter what specifically El Nino would have no effect on, Trump gestured broadly at the room.
The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, reached for comment, said it had not been consulted ahead of the briefing, had not issued any public warnings about El Nino, and was not aware of any reason for the American public to be concerned. A spokesperson paused for several seconds before adding, "We appreciate the President's confidence."
Dr. Linda Vasquez, a senior climate scientist at the University of Colorado who has spent nineteen years studying Pacific weather patterns, said she learned of the briefing from her nephew, who texted her a video with no additional context.
"My first reaction was that something had happened that I was unaware of," Vasquez said. "My second reaction was that nothing had happened and the President had simply decided to address it anyway. Both of those situations are upsetting, just in different directions."
White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt confirmed afterward that the briefing had not been on the daily schedule and was added approximately forty minutes before it occurred, following what she described as "the President doing some reading." She declined to specify what he had been reading.
Several meteorologists noted privately that El Nino does, in fact, produce measurable effects, including altered rainfall patterns across the American Southwest, elevated temperatures in parts of the northern United States, and increased hurricane suppression in the Atlantic. It was unclear whether these effects would now be suspended.
Trump, asked at the podium whether he had spoken with NOAA, said he had spoken with "a lot of people" and that they all agreed with him. He also noted that he had "always had a very good relationship with weather."
By Tuesday evening, three cable news networks had run segments asking whether the El Nino press conference was a distraction from something else, which itself became the distraction. El Nino continued developing over the Pacific, unaware of the briefing, as it was a large mass of warm ocean water and did not watch cable news.
A White House official, speaking anonymously, said the administration considered the matter closed.
This is satire. The events and quotes are invented and none of it is real news.