Politics
Trump Delivers 90-Minute Midterm Speech, Mentions Actual Candidates Zero Times
By Mor Michael, . BSN Network. Satire.
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Republican Party held its midterm convention this week, giving the GOP's most prominent candidates a national platform to make their case to voters ahead of November. Former President Donald Trump then arrived and made his case instead.
Trump's speech ran approximately ninety minutes. According to people in the room who were counting, and there were several, the word "I" appeared more often than the names of any Senate or House candidate currently seeking election. This is not a criticism. It is a measurement.
The central ask of the evening was this: Trump urged Republican voters to approach the midterms by pretending he is personally on the ballot. "Pretend I'm on the ballot," he said, which is either a motivational technique or a description of a psychological condition that a professional should assess.
Senator Lindsey Graham, who was in attendance and later described the speech as "magnificent" and "what this party needed," was asked which specific candidates Trump had spoken about. Graham said Trump had "captured the spirit" of every race. The candidates, for their part, have not yet commented on having their spirit captured by a man who did not say their names.
Political strategist and longtime Republican operative Karl Rove noted on Fox News that Trump's approach carries "some risk" in competitive districts where voters may want to hear something about the local candidate rather than a detailed account of the 2020 election, the 2024 election, and an election that has not happened yet. Rove was then interrupted.
Among the candidates benefiting from Trump's midterm support are Dr. Mehmet Oz in Pennsylvania, Herschel Walker in Georgia, and Blake Masters in Arizona, none of whom were given extended time in the speech but all of whom are presumably grateful for the spirit capture.
Oz, who until recently was best known for explaining on television why you should eat fewer carbohydrates, released a statement calling the speech "powerful" and "a reminder of what we're fighting for." He did not specify what that was. He may not know.
Walker's campaign said he was "energized." Walker has previously stated that he believes humans and apes exist simultaneously, which does represent a kind of energy.
Trump, for his part, closed the speech by reminding the audience that if Republicans win the House and Senate in November, it will be because of him, and if they lose, it will be because of fraud. This covers the available outcomes comprehensively and requires no further adjustment regardless of what happens.
The audience gave a standing ovation.
The candidates are asking voters to imagine them on the ballot. Trump is asking voters to imagine him on the ballot. Nobody has yet asked voters to imagine the candidates.
The story we are making fun of: https://abcnews.com/Politics/key-takeaways-trumps-gop-midterm-convention-speech/story?id=136324428