Politics
Wendy's Brings Back Nine-Patty Burger That Was Previously Banned For Being A Burger
By BSN Staff, . BSN Network. Satire.
TULSA, Oklahoma. A Wendy's franchise location on the south side of Tulsa has reinstated the T-Rex Burger, a nine-patty, nine-slice-of-cheese cheeseburger that the chain had quietly discontinued several years ago following what corporate communications would only describe as "a period of reflection."
The burger, which stands roughly five inches tall and requires a structural commitment from the jaw that most Americans stopped making around age thirty, must be consumed in nine minutes or the customer pays full price. What full price is for nine hamburger patties stacked into a single object has not been disclosed, which is itself a form of psychological warfare.
The T-Rex was originally pulled from menus sometime after its debut, during which period Wendy's issued no formal statement, filed no paperwork, and offered no explanation. It simply stopped existing, the way certain decisions stop existing after everyone agrees not to bring them up at Thanksgiving. Its return has been described by the franchise owner as "a celebration of bold flavor" and by at least one cardiologist in the greater Tulsa area as "not something I can comment on without a signed release."
"It's back because the people wanted it back," said shift manager Derek Pulliam, thirty-one, who looked like a man who had been asked to say that and had decided to believe it. "We're proud to offer our guests a challenge that really speaks to who we are as a community."
What the nine-patty burger says about the Tulsa community has not been formally studied, though early anecdotal evidence suggests it says something in the range of defiant and possibly uninsured.
Customers who have attempted the challenge since the burger's return report a consistent emotional arc: confidence through patties one and two, mild concern around patty four, a dissociative episode somewhere between patties six and seven, and then a long silence. One participant, a twenty-six-year-old named Cody who asked that his last name not be used, completed the challenge in eight minutes and forty seconds and then sat in his car for forty minutes before driving home.
"I feel like I won something," Cody said, in the tone of a man who had not won something.
Wendy's corporate has declined to officially endorse the promotion, issuing a statement that read, in full: "Wendy's is committed to providing our customers with fresh, never-frozen beef and a variety of menu options that meet them where they are." Where Cody currently is, metabolically speaking, is unclear.
The T-Rex Burger itself has not changed since its original run. It remains a standard Wendy's single patty, replicated nine times, assembled into a formation that food scientists would call a column and everyone else would call a threat. There is lettuce on it. This is considered a formality.
A nutritional information card is available upon request. No one has requested it.
The nine-minute clock starts when the burger is set on the tray. It does not stop for water, for renegotiation, or for the particular kind of regret that arrives around minute three and does not leave.
The challenge runs through the end of the month.
Derek said they might extend it if there's demand.
The story we are making fun of: https://www.foxnews.com/food-drink/monstrous-wendys-burger-returns-daring-customers-devour-9-patties-9-minutes