Absurdity
Billionaire Buys Third Island, Reminds Public We are 'All in This Together'
By BSN Staff, . BSN Network. Satire.
ATHENS, Greece, Preston Hale, the venture capital billionaire and founder of the personal growth platform WeRise, completed the purchase of his third private island on Tuesday, a 340-acre Aegean property named Nyssos that he described in a press release as 'an intimate retreat space for the kind of deep thinking that benefits everyone.'
The island was purchased, according to Hale's spokesperson, because his second island, a 290-acre parcel off the coast of Montenegro, had begun to feel 'observed.' The third island sits approximately four miles from the second. It has no permanent residents. It does, however, have a desalination plant, a helipad, and what the press release calls 'an artisanal olive program,' which sources familiar with the matter confirmed is twelve olive trees and a man named Theo.
Six hours after the purchase was made public, Hale's communications team distributed a 900-word newsletter to his 4.2 million subscribers titled 'Hard Times Require Hard Solidarity.' The letter urged readers to 'resist the instinct to retreat into individual comfort' and closed with the line: 'We are, and have always been, all in this together.'
The newsletter did not mention Nyssos.
'Preston is extremely passionate about collective resilience,' said Hale's chief communications officer, Dana Fitch, in a statement. 'His decision to acquire additional land in the Aegean reflects a deep personal commitment to the kind of quiet stewardship that filters down to the wider community in ways that are, admittedly, somewhat indirect.'
Fitch declined to specify the direction of the filtration.
The newsletter arrived in inboxes the same week that a government report found median household savings in the United States had fallen for the fourth consecutive quarter. Hale, whose net worth is estimated at $14.2 billion, acknowledged in a follow-up social post that 'these numbers are heartbreaking,' adding three fire emojis and a link to a WeRise webinar on financial mindset priced at $189 per seat.
Reaction among Hale's subscribers was mixed. 'I've been following Preston for six years,' wrote one commenter on his WeRise forum. 'The island thing is a little jarring but I think what he means by together is more of a spiritual together. Like a vibe.' The comment received 847 upvotes.
A second commenter asked whether the public technically co-owns Nyssos, given the repeated use of 'we' in the newsletter. Hale's legal team responded within the hour. The response was two paragraphs and the word 'no.'
The purchase price of Nyssos was not disclosed, though Greek property records filed with the municipality of Paros list the transaction as 'in excess of standard regional valuation.' Hale's first island, purchased in 2019 off the coast of Belize, was described at the time as a 'sustainability research station.' It currently hosts one sustainability researcher and a recording studio where Hale has been working on what his team calls 'a personal music project that will give back.'
In a video posted to Instagram Wednesday morning, Hale stood on what appeared to be the deck of a large boat, wearing linen, the Aegean glittering behind him.
'People ask me why I keep investing in these spaces,' he said, looking directly at the camera with the expression of a man who has thought about this for exactly the amount of time it took to film the video. 'And the honest answer is: I do it for the same reason any of us does anything. Connection. Purpose. The belief that if we take care of our spaces, our spaces take care of us. All of our spaces. Collectively.'
He then announced a limited free trial of WeRise Premium, available to the first five thousand people who replied with the word 'together.'
Fifteen thousand people replied within the hour.
Nyssos is not open to the public, though Hale's team confirmed it will host a 'community dialogue retreat' in September, limited to thirty participants, with tickets starting at $4,500, which includes one night's accommodation, two meals, and a signed copy of Hale's book, 'We: A Memoir of Shared Purpose.'
There is a waitlist. Theo the olive man is not on it.
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