Absurdity
Trump Bans Wind Turbines, Citing Danger of Creating Too Much Fresh Air
By BSN Staff, . BSN Network. Satire.
WASHINGTON, D.C.: President Trump signed an executive order Wednesday banning the construction and operation of all wind turbines in the United States, citing what the White House described as a mounting crisis of excess atmospheric freshness threatening the health and stability of the American people.
The order, titled the American Air Quality Restoration and Protection Act, directs the Environmental Protection Agency to begin monitoring communities near former wind installations for symptoms of what the document calls Acute Oxygen Surplus, defined in an appendix as "a condition in which citizens breathe more clearly than is necessary or useful."
"We have too much fresh air," Trump told reporters in the Oval Office, where three windows were sealed shut. "People are out there breathing this wind turbine air, feeling good, feeling alert. They start asking questions. Nobody needs that."
The EPA, now led by Dale Furniss, a former coal industry consultant who has described the Clean Air Act as "a personal attack," confirmed it would begin enforcement immediately. Furniss told reporters the agency had been tracking the fresh air problem for several months and was relieved to finally have the authority to act.
"What these turbines do is they push clean, moving air into neighborhoods that were previously fine," Furniss said. "You get too much oxygen in a community and people start sleeping better, thinking more clearly, going outside voluntarily. That is not the America we are trying to build."
The White House released a supplementary fact sheet listing the documented dangers of wind turbine proximity. The sheet included "increased alertness," "improved respiratory function," "a general sense of well-being," and, in a bullet point that was later quietly removed from the online version, "curiosity."
Critics moved quickly. Environmental groups called the ban the most aggressive rollback of clean energy in American history. Senator Maria Cantwell of Washington called it "genuinely deranged" during a floor speech, then paused, and added that she was aware that phrase used to be more disqualifying than it currently is.
The administration pushed back. Senior adviser and White House Communications Director Taylor Briggs held a briefing in which he explained that the order was fundamentally about liberty.
"Americans have the right to breathe the air their government chooses for them," Briggs said. "Wind turbines bypass that process entirely. You build one of these things, suddenly everyone in a five-mile radius is inhaling air that nobody approved. That is a regulatory gap."
Existing turbines will be decommissioned over a ninety-day period. Landowners who have leased their property to wind energy companies will be compensated with what the executive order describes as "priority access to future domestic coal air, when available."
The order also covers offshore wind installations, on the grounds that ocean breezes, once redirected toward shore, constitute an unauthorized atmospheric import. The relevant section of the order describes this as "foreign air arriving without documentation."
The Department of Energy confirmed it is conducting an internal review to determine whether fans, open car windows, and large dogs running past you also fall under the new framework.
In coastal Maine, where several wind projects were halted mid-construction by the order, a local official named Greg Platt told reporters he had mixed feelings.
"I don't love the reasoning," Platt said. "But I will say, personally, I have felt a little too alert lately. My wife mentioned it. So maybe there's something to it."
When asked at what oxygen level Americans should be aiming, Furniss said the EPA was still calibrating the target range, but that they would know it when they found it.
"Comfortable," he said. "Not curious. Comfortable."
The president, asked the same question later in the afternoon, said the ideal air was "the kind you don't think about," which his press office confirmed is now the official policy goal of the United States Environmental Protection Agency.
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