Absurdity
Boy, 5, Realizes Controller Was Not Plugged In This Entire Time
By BSN Staff, . BSN Network. Satire.
SEDONA, AZ: Marcus Townsend, age five, of Sedona, Arizona, has been positively identified as a child who now knows. The knowledge, which arrived Tuesday at approximately 2:40 in the afternoon during what his parents described as a normal session of Mario Kart, appears to be permanent.
Marcus had been playing video games since age two, a period his mother, Jennifer Townsend, 34, characterized as "incredibly peaceful" and "honestly the best three years of our lives as a family."
The arrangement, common among American households and apparently invisible to the child until now, involved handing Marcus a second controller with no cable attached to the console, sitting him in front of the television, and then allowing him to believe he was responsible for whatever was happening on screen. For three years, Marcus Townsend thought he was very good at Mario Kart. He was not playing Mario Kart. His father, Greg, was playing Mario Kart.
Greg Townsend, 37, who describes his own skill level as "genuinely elite for a dad," says Marcus would cheer, pump his fist, and occasionally trash-talk the other racers in a way that Greg found "deeply encouraging and also a little alarming."
"He'd say things like 'eat my dust, Bowser' and I would think, yeah, kid, that's me, I'm doing that, but also you seem really happy and I have dinner to make," Greg told reporters.
The illusion collapsed, according to witnesses, when the family's Wi-Fi router was moved to a different room and Marcus noticed his controller did not follow it. He reportedly traced the cable from the actual controller in his father's hands to the console, then looked at the object in his own hands, then back at the console, then at his father, completing what family friend Dana Reyes described as "a full forensic audit" in about twelve seconds.
Marcus said nothing for forty-five seconds. He then asked his father if he was "the one doing the driving." Greg said yes. Marcus asked if he had always been the one doing the driving. Greg said yes. Marcus set the unplugged controller down on the couch cushion with, according to three independent witnesses, the energy of a man resigning from a job he has held for thirty years.
Dr. Patricia Lund, a developmental psychologist at the University of Arizona who was not present and learned about this incident because a reporter called her, said the moment represents a child's first encounter with what she termed "participatory theater masquerading as agency," which she then clarified by saying it is when a kid finds out the controller was fake.
"The transition can be jarring," Dr. Lund said. "We recommend parents validate the child's feelings while also pointing out that his father did finish in first place pretty much every single time, so Marcus should consider giving him some credit."
The Townsend family says Marcus has not asked to play video games since Tuesday. He has, however, been watching his father play with what Greg describes as a new and uncomfortable level of scrutiny.
"He just sits there now," Greg said. "Watching. Not saying anything. It's like being audited by a very small man who used to love me unconditionally."
Marcus turns six in March. His parents have purchased him a Nintendo Switch with a fully functional controller. They describe themselves as ready to parent a child who knows things, though Jennifer admitted she has been crying "on and off" since Tuesday afternoon.
The controller is still on the couch.
The story we are making fun of: https://babylonbee.com/news/child-tragically-reaches-age-where-he-knows-hes-not-actually-playing-video-game/