Politics
CDC Declares Parasite That Infected 13,000 Americans Officially Someone Else's Problem Now
By Sean Vanity, . BSN Network. Satire.
ATLANTA, GA. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Monday that the cyclospora outbreak linked to contaminated produce is officially over, closing the books on a public health event that sickened nearly 13,000 people, sent more than 500 to the hospital, and generated one press release.
Cyclosporiasis, for readers who contracted it and are only now recovering enough to read, is an intestinal illness caused by the parasite Cyclospora cayetanensis, which enters the body through contaminated food or water and then spends several weeks making you deeply regret your lifestyle choices. Symptoms include prolonged diarrhea, fatigue, and a spiritual reassessment of every salad you have ever eaten.
The CDC's formal declaration states that there is "no longer any risk of contracting cyclosporiasis from the source linked to the outbreak," a sentence so carefully constructed it borders on performance art. It does not name the source. It does not say the source has been corrected. It says, essentially, that the thing that was happening has stopped happening, and the agency would like credit for noticing.
"We are confident that the risk has been mitigated," said a CDC spokesperson in a statement that used the word "mitigated" the way a landlord uses the phrase "cozy studio." "Our surveillance systems performed as intended throughout this event." The spokesperson did not clarify what "as intended" means when 13,000 people get a stomach parasite.
Public health advocates were less celebratory. "Thirteen thousand cases," said Dr. Renata Osei, an infectious disease specialist at a midwestern hospital who asked that her institution not be named because, in her words, "I would like to keep my job." "Five hundred hospitalizations. And the big announcement is that it's over. That's like a fire department showing up after the house burns down and issuing a statement that the fire has been contained."
Dr. Osei noted that cyclospora outbreaks in the United States have been traced to fresh herbs, raspberries, and various salad greens imported from regions with limited agricultural oversight, a pattern that has recurred for decades. She said she was "cautiously optimistic" that the next outbreak would also eventually end.
Meanwhile, the produce industry responded to the outbreak the way it typically responds to parasite outbreaks, which is to say it did not respond to requests for comment. Several major distributors quietly updated their internal inspection protocols, a process one logistics manager described as "adding a checkbox."
Consumers who lived through the outbreak reported mixed feelings about the closure announcement. "I lost eight pounds," said Todd Wrenner, 44, of Scottsdale, Arizona, who was hospitalized for four days in August. "My doctor said it was the parasite. My wife said I looked great. I don't know how to feel about any of this."
Wrenner said he has not eaten a salad since July and does not plan to resume until the CDC can confirm, in writing, what the source actually was.
The CDC said it would continue monitoring the situation.
The situation has ended, but the CDC will continue monitoring it.
The story we are making fun of: https://thehill.com/newsletters/healthcare/6085623-cdc-declares-cyclospora-outbreak-over/