Absurdity
Children's Bible Quietly Skips Over The Part Where Rahab Was A Prostitute
By Jeff Garstein, . BSN Network. Satire.
GARY, IN: The Beginner's Bible, a 511-page illustrated introduction to scripture used in Christian households across the country, has made an editorial decision regarding Rahab of Jericho that the original Book of Joshua did not make, which is to say nothing at all about what she did.
The actual Bible, a text generally considered authoritative on these matters, introduces Rahab in Joshua 2:1 as a harlot. It does not ease into this. It does not say 'a woman with a complicated past' or 'a Jericho local with an entrepreneurial spirit.' It says harlot. It says it immediately. Joshua sends two spies, they go to Jericho, they go to a harlot's house. The sequence is brisk and the terminology is clear.
The Beginner's Bible opted for 'a kind woman.'
'She hid the spies under some flax on the roof,' said Liam Miles, 34, a warehouse logistics coordinator who has been reading the illustrated edition to his son Owen, age four. 'It just says she was kind and brave and helped them. Which, sure. But the whole reason the spies went to her house in the first place is kind of glossed over.'
Miles confirmed he then sat quietly for several minutes trying to figure out what he was supposed to do with this information.
The Beginner's Bible, published by Zonderkidz, a division of HarperCollins, has sold over 25 million copies worldwide and is the top-selling children's Bible in the United States. It covers Noah, Moses, David, and the full arc of the New Testament in cheerful round-edged illustrations. Rahab appears in it for approximately one page. Her profession does not.
Joel Osteen, reached for comment on the theological implications of softening Rahab's biography for a juvenile audience, said that Rahab's story was 'really just a beautiful reminder that God can use anybody, any situation, to bring about His incredible plan, and I think that's a message that resonates deeply whether you're four or forty or anywhere in between.' He then smiled for what sources described as an unnervingly long time.
Osteen did not address the harlot part.
Theologians have long considered Rahab one of the more striking figures in the Old Testament precisely because of what she was. She is one of only five women named in the genealogy of Jesus in the Gospel of Matthew. She is cited in the Book of Hebrews as a hero of faith. She is, by any reading of the text, not incidental. The specific nature of her profession is not a footnote. It is the whole point. The spies went to her house because it was a place men went. That is how the logistics of the story work.
The Beginner's Bible has determined that four-year-olds do not need to know the logistics.
'I'm not saying they should explain it,' Miles said. 'Owen doesn't need that conversation yet. I'm just saying there's this woman who is genuinely one of the more interesting people in the entire Old Testament and the book is like, she helped some guys. She had a red rope. Good for her.'
Owen Miles, when asked what he thought of Rahab, said she was nice and had a red string and he wanted a snack.
The Beginner's Bible also describes Samson's relationship with Delilah as a 'friendship that went wrong,' characterizes the destruction of Sodom as 'a city where people made very bad choices,' and according to Miles, handles the Song of Solomon by not including it at all, a decision he described as 'honestly the right call.'
Rahab was unavailable for comment. She died approximately three thousand years ago, widely regarded as righteous.
The story we are making fun of: https://babylonbee.com/news/childrens-bible-noticeably-vague-on-rahabs-backstory/