Politics
DC Squatters Held Lease Review Meeting Before Converting Apartment Into Crack Den
By BSN Staff, . BSN Network. Satire.
WASHINGTON, D.C.: A District of Columbia property owner is demanding answers after squatters occupied her basement apartment for eleven months, transformed it into what fire marshals later described as an "active narcotics distribution environment," and were ultimately shielded from removal by a legal classification that technically treats the situation the same as a noise complaint between roommates.
The owner, who asked to be identified only as a person who now deeply regrets owning property in the District of Columbia, said she first noticed something was wrong when her basement began receiving mail addressed to three different LLCs and a man named Cortez.
"I went down there and knocked," she told reporters. "Someone slid a laminated visitor policy under the door. It had hours of operation."
Police responded to the property four times over the following six months. On each occasion, officers surveyed the unit, noted the presence of individuals who were not the owner, and determined that the matter fell under landlord-tenant jurisdiction, a legal category that essentially means the city will handle it the same week it finishes reviewing your 2019 building permit.
A spokesperson for the Metropolitan Police Department confirmed that officers followed standard protocol.
"When a residential occupancy situation presents with indicators of a civil dispute, our officers are trained to refer the matter to the appropriate municipal channels for review and potential scheduling," the spokesperson said, in a sentence that technically contained words.
Neighbors say the operation was not subtle. One resident of the building, who asked to remain anonymous because she still has to live there, described watching a man in a reflective vest directing foot traffic outside the basement entrance every Friday between six and ten p.m.
"He had a clipboard," she said. "I assumed it was some kind of delivery thing at first. It was not a delivery thing."
Another neighbor, Gerald, said he complained to the city's housing authority in March, in April, and once more in May through a web portal that sent him an automated response informing him his ticket had been assigned a priority level of four out of five, where five is highest.
"I still get updates," Gerald said. "Last week it told me my case had been escalated to a supervisor. The supervisor's name is Derek. I feel like Derek is not coming."
The property owner has now spent roughly forty thousand dollars in legal fees attempting to obtain an eviction order, a process the District requires to proceed through housing court, which is currently scheduling hearings for matters filed in what her attorney described as "a more optimistic era."
The basement unit was briefly inspected by the D.C. Department of Buildings in September, at which point inspectors cited the squatters for two code violations related to electrical work and issued a correction notice with a ninety-day compliance window.
The squatters received the notice, according to the owner, and fixed the electrical issue.
"They are more responsive to city correspondence than I am," she said.
A legal aid organization reviewing the case noted that D.C. tenant protections, among the strongest in the nation, were designed to shield vulnerable renters from abusive landlords, a goal everyone agrees is correct and good, and which has created a system so comprehensively non-navigable that it now functionally protects anyone who is inside a building from anyone who owns the building, for reasons that can be litigated across a span of time that experts compare to geological processes.
The owner said she has contacted her city council member's office six times.
Her city council member is aware of her concerns.
The story we are making fun of: https://www.foxnews.com/politics/squatter-nightmare-turns-dc-apartment-building-drug-haven-legal-battle-drags-help