Politics
Falcons Trade For Tua Tagovailoa, He Immediately Solves Their Quarterback Problem
By Sean Vanity, . BSN Network. Satire.
ATLANTA, GA. The Atlanta Falcons front office spent considerable resources acquiring Tua Tagovailoa to stabilize the most unstable position in franchise history, and on Saturday the quarterback validated that investment by straining his oblique and becoming someone else's problem for the foreseeable future.
Tagovailoa, who has survived multiple documented concussions, a broken finger, a hip injury requiring surgical repair, and approximately four years of playing behind an offensive line assembled by people who appear to hate him personally, was felled this week by the muscle you pull when you sneeze too hard while getting out of bed.
The Falcons have ruled him week-to-week, which in NFL medical terminology means "we will tell you when we feel like it."
Cooper Rush will start Sunday against the Pittsburgh Steelers. This is not a sentence that carries additional context. That is simply what is happening.
Rush, 30, is best understood as a quarterback who exists to make other teams feel better about their own quarterback situations. He has started nine NFL games. He has won five of them. His career completion percentage is 59.3, which is the statistical equivalent of a shrug. The Cowboys kept him around for three years the way you keep a good screwdriver: you rarely need it, but when you do, you are relieved it did not break.
Dan Quinn, now the Falcons head coach after his Washington tenure where he somehow went 12-5 and earned a second act nobody saw coming, was asked Monday whether the team had confidence in Rush.
"Cooper gives us everything we need to compete," Quinn said, from behind eyes that had clearly processed some difficult information in the past 48 hours. "He's a pro. He prepares like a starter, he studies like a starter, he's ready to go. We're excited to have Cooper ready for this opportunity." He then answered two more questions about the running game and left the podium at a pace that suggested somewhere to be.
The Steelers, who spent the entire offseason reconfiguring their own offense around Aaron Rodgers and whatever Aaron Rodgers has decided his identity is this calendar year, will now face a quarterback who was not on a roster two seasons ago and who accepted this assignment the way a man accepts a last-minute invitation to a wedding: grateful to be asked, unclear what the expected outcome is, dressed appropriately.
Pittsburgh defensive coordinator Teryl Austin confirmed the team had studied Tagovailoa extensively, called him a "dynamic playmaker with a quick release," and said the Steelers were "very prepared for what Atlanta is going to show us." He was informed after the press conference that Tagovailoa would not be playing. There is no record of his response.
Falcons wide receiver Drake London, who was acquired specifically to be Tua's primary target, said he had "full trust" in Rush and that the offense would "execute the same way regardless of who's back there." This statement is false, but it was delivered with such conviction that it almost felt mean to notice.
For his part, Tagovailoa released a statement Sunday morning wishing the team luck, expressing confidence in Cooper, and thanking the training staff. He did not specify which oblique. He did not explain what he was doing when it happened. Both of these facts are going to bother people for longer than they should.
The Falcons open their season Sunday at noon. Cooper Rush will take the first snap. The Steelers will be waiting.
Somewhere, Kirk Cousins is watching this and feeling something he cannot quite name.
The story we are making fun of: https://www.foxnews.com/outkick-sports/tua-tagovailoa-ruled-out-falcons-opener-oblique-injury-cooper-rush-steps-steelers