Politics
Hawaii Residents Reminded That Paradise Has a Wet Season Called Everything
By BSN Staff, . BSN Network. Satire.
HONOLULU, HI. Hurricane Lowell made its feelings about Hawaiian tourism abundantly clear this week, scraping along the western edge of the Big Island with damaging winds, torrential rain and waves that travel writers will later describe as "dramatic" once the insurance claims are settled.
The National Hurricane Center, which exists to tell people where storms are going after the storms have already decided, confirmed that Lowell was "skirting" the archipelago. Skirting. As in, close enough to destroy your lanai, not close enough to get an official apology.
Tens of thousands of homes and businesses lost power across Hawaii, which in practical terms means tens of thousands of people discovered simultaneously that their backup plan was a single scented candle they bought at a farmers market in 2019.
Lowell itself, for what it is worth, performed admirably. The storm maintained the kind of focused, purposeful energy that most Hawaiians came to the islands specifically to escape. It brought wind. It brought rain. It brought surf that the North Shore crowd called "epic" right up until it took the roof off a shave ice stand in Kailua-Kona.
The National Hurricane Center issued a statement describing conditions as "life-threatening" while simultaneously using the phrase "skirting the islands," a construction that suggests Lowell was merely window shopping and not, in fact, dismantling the electrical grid of an American state.
"We are monitoring the situation closely," said a spokesperson who was monitoring it from the mainland. The spokesperson added that residents should follow all local guidance, which is the institutional equivalent of saying "you seem like smart people, probably figure it out."
Local officials urged calm, a request Lowell declined to honor.
Tourists who had flown to Hawaii specifically to experience perfect weather were reportedly upset, which is a sentence that contains its own punishment. Several visitors told local media they were "just hoping it passes quickly," apparently unaware that hurricanes do not adjust their schedules for people on Expedia non-refundable packages.
One resort in Kona released a statement reassuring guests that the property was "taking every precaution," which included boarding up the beachfront bar and serving complimentary mai tais from the lobby. The mai tais were described by three separate TripAdvisor reviewers, writing in real time from a concrete stairwell, as "still pretty good."
The storm is expected to continue moving away from the islands, a trajectory the National Hurricane Center will credit to its models and Hawaii will credit to the volcano goddess Pele, and neither side will be entirely wrong.
Meanwhile, the tens of thousands of residents sitting in the dark are waiting for the grid to come back, the waves to come down and the travel influencers outside to stop filming themselves looking meaningfully at the rain.
The candle has maybe four hours left.
The story we are making fun of: https://www.cbsnews.com/news/hurricane-lowell-hawaii-heavy-rain-strong-winds-waves/