Culture
Jane Fonda Accuses Billionaires Of Wanting To Live Forever While Killing Everyone Else
By BSN Staff, . BSN Network. Satire.
Jane Fonda, who is 88 years old and therefore has already outlived most of her critics on a pure actuarial basis, sat down with journalists Thursday to discuss several matters she finds personally offensive, including a major media merger, the current president, and the growing Silicon Valley hobby of purchasing eternal life.
"Tech bros, oligarchs and billionaires," Fonda said, reading what appeared to be a prepared list, "want longevity while they're killing the rest of us." She then paused in the way that a person pauses when they feel they have said the complete and sufficient thing.
She is not wrong, technically. The same general population that has spent the last decade funding life extension research, blood transfusion clinics, and cryogenic storage facilities has also spent that same decade lobbying against clean air regulations, gutting worker safety standards, and treating "acceptable loss" as a line item in a spreadsheet.
But the longevity industry prefers the term "human healthspan optimization," which sounds considerably better and means exactly the same thing.
A spokesperson for the broader tech billionaire community, when reached for comment, said the sector remains "deeply committed to democratizing access to longevity solutions at scale," which is the kind of sentence that takes forty-five seconds to say and contains zero information about who specifically gets to live longer.
Fonda also addressed the proposed Paramount-Warner Bros. merger, expressing opposition with the confidence of someone who has watched enough media consolidations to know how the last act goes. When two enormous entertainment companies become one enormous entertainment company, the primary product is not content. It is leverage.
"What happens," asked a reporter in the room, apparently genuinely curious despite all available evidence from the last thirty years of media history.
Fonda looked at the reporter for a moment.
She also registered her familiar opposition to Donald Trump, which at this point in her public life functions less as a political statement and more as a recurring administrative confirmation, the way you re-verify your email address every few months to prove the account still exists.
What is notable, across all three subjects, is the consistency of the underlying complaint. In each case, a very small number of people are making decisions with enormous consequences for a very large number of people who were not consulted and will not benefit. The merger consolidates who controls what you watch. The longevity obsession consolidates who gets to keep watching. The political situation consolidates who decides both.
Fonda, who has been arrested for protesting, been blacklisted, been divorced several times, and survived cancer, seemed unbothered by the scale of the problem in the way that only people who have been paying attention for sixty years can manage.
She is 88 and currently outliving the news cycle.
The billionaires are reportedly still working on it.
The story we are making fun of: https://variety.com/2026/film/global/jane-fonda-paramount-warner-bros-trump-tech-bros-longevity-1236850300/