Absurdity
Netanyahu Reportedly Got Ten-Day Warning About Hamas Attack And Put It In The Maybe Pile
By BSN Staff, . BSN Network. Satire.
JERUSALEM, Israel, A new intelligence report published this week confirms that the United Arab Emirates delivered an explicit warning to Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu approximately ten days before the October 7th Hamas attacks, informing him that a large-scale assault was imminent. Netanyahu, by all available accounts, did not act on it. The attacks killed approximately 1,200 Israelis and triggered a regional war that continues to this day.
The UAE, which normalized relations with Israel in 2020 under the Abraham Accords, reportedly passed the intelligence through established back channels, meaning this was not a stranger sliding into Israel's DMs. This was a formal allied government saying, in the diplomatic equivalent of plain English, something very bad is about to happen.
Netanyahu's office has declined to specify what exactly the Prime Minister thought the UAE meant, though a spokesman described the warning as "one of many pieces of incoming intelligence assessed within a broader contextual framework," which is the institutional way of saying it went in the pile.
Security analysts are calling the revelation staggering. Critics are calling it criminal. Netanyahu's remaining supporters are calling it complicated, which is what you say when you have run entirely out of other things to say.
For its part, Hamas has not commented on the report, presumably because Hamas does not hold press conferences about how effectively it was ignored.
What makes this genuinely difficult to process is the arithmetic. Ten days. That is not a cryptic tip. That is not a vague premonition from a fortune teller in a market stall. That is ten days, which is enough time to cancel a vacation, reschedule a cabinet meeting, reinforce a border, or do essentially anything other than what was done, which was nothing.
Netanyahu has spent the months since October 7th positioning himself as the indispensable wartime leader, the only man serious enough to prosecute a response to the worst intelligence failure in Israeli history. The report suggests he may have also been a principal architect of that failure, which is a career combination so audacious it almost demands a kind of dark respect.
Israeli opposition leader Yair Lapid called the report "a national disgrace" and demanded an immediate state inquiry, which Netanyahu's government will almost certainly agree to run, chair, and conclude on its own schedule.
One former Mossad official, speaking anonymously because he still has colleagues he likes, told reporters that in intelligence work, a ten-day specific warning from a friendly government is "not background noise, it is the loudest possible sound short of the thing itself happening." He then paused for a long time and said he needed some water.
Averge Israelis reached for comment expressed a range of emotions from fury to exhaustion, most of them landing somewhere in the area of both simultaneously.
"I don't understand what else the UAE was supposed to do," said one Tel Aviv resident. "Send a fruit basket with a note? Hire a skywriter?"
Netanyahu is currently on trial for corruption charges unrelated to any of this, which at this point feels less like context and more like the universe insisting on thoroughness.
The Maybe Pile was unavailable for comment.
The story we are making fun of: https://theonion.com/bombshell-report-reveals-netanyahu-had-advanced-warning-of-oct-7-attacks/