Absurdity
Woman Must Retrieve Belongings From Man Who Has Already Forgotten Her Name
By Bruno Von Falken, . BSN Network. Satire.
TAMPA, FL. A local woman identified by friends as Brianna, 27, is currently navigating what relationship historians are calling the most emotionally complex form of errand in the modern era: retrieving personal property from someone who has made clear, through the sophisticated communication strategy of simply not responding, that the relationship portion of this arrangement is over.
The items in question include one Le Creuset dutch oven in fig, a phone charger, a specific brand of dry shampoo that is no longer available at Target, and what Brianna describes as "a really good throw blanket" that she admits she left there strategically.
The man, identified only as Tyler, 31, a senior something at a tech company, did not respond to requests for comment. He also did not respond to Brianna's texts on March 4th, 6th, 9th, or to a voice memo she sent on the 11th that she describes as "casual" and her friends describe as "a lot."
Experts say the ghosting-then-property situation represents a genuine gap in the social contract, a scenario so awkward that even the most confrontation-eager participants tend to freeze.
"There is no protocol," said Dr. Renee Albrecht, a behavioral researcher at the University of South Florida who studies what she calls post-romantic logistics. "You cannot send a courier. You cannot involve your mother. You are essentially asking someone who has decided you do not exist to please buzz you up."
Brianna confirmed she has considered sending her friend Kaitlyn as a proxy, but Kaitlyn "made it weird last time" at a different ex's apartment and has been banned from future retrieval missions.
Tyler, for his part, reportedly still has Brianna's Hulu login and has watched three full seasons of a show she had been saving. He is also, according to his Instagram stories, doing fine. Great, actually. He went to a brewery.
The Le Creuset, valued at $219, sits at the center of what Brianna calls a "pure cost-benefit situation" and what her therapist calls "an attachment issue we should probably talk about."
"It's not about him," Brianna clarified, in a message sent at 11:47 p.m. "It's about the skillet. That skillet braised a whole chicken."
Legal options are limited. Small claims court requires a filing fee and the kind of paperwork that implies Tyler meant enough to file paperwork about, which Brianna says he did not. A wellness check is not appropriate. Showing up unannounced is, per the friend group, "too much," though two of the five friends privately said they would do it.
Tyler's apartment building requires a key fob. The skillet does not have legs. The dry shampoo is discontinued.
A GoFundMe to simply replace the items has raised $47, mostly from people who have been in this exact situation and are funding it out of solidarity and suppressed rage.
As of press time, Brianna had drafted a text reading "hey, I think I left some stuff at your place" and had not sent it for six days. The throw blanket, sources confirm, smells like his cologne, which is why she wanted it back in the first place and also why she cannot send the text.
The story we are making fun of: https://reductress.com/post/lovers-to-enemies-this-woman-got-ghosted-before-getting-her-stuff-back/