Politics
Republicans Converge On Dallas To Practice Losing The Midterms With Maximum Enthusiasm
By Mor Michael, . BSN Network. Satire.
DALLAS, TX -- The Republican National Committee opened its two-day midterm convention at the Hilton Anatole in Dallas on Wednesday morning, drawing administration officials, incumbent lawmakers, and first-time candidates to a gathering the party has billed as a "forward-looking alignment summit," which is what you call a pep rally when you need people to fly coach to attend it.
President Trump is scheduled to deliver the keynote address Wednesday evening, closing out a day that features remarks from Representatives Brandon Gill of Texas, and approximately fourteen other members of Congress whose primary qualification for a speaking slot appears to be that they are not currently under investigation, or at least not under a new one.
The convention has no binding authority over candidate selection, no power to alter ballot access rules, no formal mechanism for approving a platform, and no scheduled vote on anything. It is, in the technical sense, a room full of people in lanyards agreeing with each other for forty-eight hours.
RNC Chair Michael Whatley described the gathering in a statement as "the most unified the Republican Party has been in a generation," which he also said in 2023, and before that in 2022, a year the party spent arguing about whether its own candidates were good enough to vote for.
The current generic ballot polling has Democrats leading by four to six points nationally, depending on the week and the mood of whoever is conducting the survey. Seventeen of twenty-two competitive House districts show Republican incumbents either tied or trailing. This information was available to everyone who flew to Dallas and none of it appeared on Wednesday's printed schedule, which ran to eleven pages and included a forty-five minute block described only as "Networking and Opportunity."
Elon Musk, who addressed a Republican fundraiser in April via video link from what appeared to be a very large room he was standing in alone, issued a post on X Wednesday morning reading: "Dallas. Big things. The real majority is waking up. More soon." He did not elaborate. Nobody asked him to.
Several Republican candidates attending the convention told reporters they were there primarily to get a photograph with the president, which is a legitimate use of a midterm strategy convention in the same way that a fire drill is a legitimate use of a Tuesday afternoon. Necessary, ultimately pointless, and nobody is fooled about what it is.
One freshman congressman, speaking on background because he had not yet cleared his quote with leadership, described the event as "an incredible opportunity to sharpen our message," and when asked what the message was, said "strength, opportunity, and the American comeback story," which is also the tagline on a motivational calendar sold at airport Hudson News locations nationwide.
Trump's keynote is expected to run between sixty and ninety minutes and will cover, according to a source familiar with the planned remarks, the economy, the border, the media, several personal grievances presented as policy concerns, and at least one extended reference to a crowd size from an event that took place years ago.
The ballroom holds 2,400 people. It is sold out.
The midterms are in November.
The story we are making fun of: https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/6077751-live-updates-trump-republican-midterm-convention-dallas/