Politics
Trump Bans CNN and Politico From White House, Reserves Their Chairs For Newsmax Anchors Who Seem Nice
By Mor Michael, . BSN Network. Satire.
President Donald Trump announced Tuesday that CNN, MSNBC, and Politico would be stripped of their White House press credentials, barred from briefings, and relocated to whatever part of the building currently houses the coats.
The move, described by the administration as a correction to the press pool's "composition" and by constitutional law professors as a thing you cannot do, was announced the way most modern governance happens: without warning, without paperwork, and at a time when no one in the relevant legal offices had eaten lunch yet.
The three organizations had between them covered every presidential administration since Gerald Ford. That record has now been retired, apparently because the current president finds their questions suboptimal.
Kayleigh McEnany, who served as White House Press Secretary during Trump's first term and is now a Fox News contributor, called the move "entirely appropriate" and "frankly overdue," and said she personally found CNN's tone "a little dismissive" as far back as 2017, which is the kind of geopolitical analysis that makes you grateful for the free market of ideas.
The White House released a statement saying the administration would "prioritize access for outlets that cover the presidency with fairness and accuracy," which is the sentence a man writes when he means something quite different and is betting nobody checks.
Newsmax, One America News, and a podcast hosted by a man in Arizona who refers to himself as a "media entrepreneur" are expected to receive the newly vacated credentials. The Arizona podcast has 14,000 subscribers and a Patreon goal of 800 dollars. It is seven hundred and twelve dollars short.
First Amendment attorneys have pointed out that the government barring specific news organizations from government buildings based on coverage it dislikes is not a gray area. It is, they noted, the example used in textbooks to illustrate what the First Amendment was written to prevent, placed there specifically so future generations would recognize it quickly. The textbooks are currently in use. The recognition is occurring.
Trump, asked about the constitutional implications at a brief press availability, said the media had "treated him very unfairly for a very long time" and that "real journalists" would be given "total access," which raises a definitional question nobody at the availability was credentialed to ask.
CNN released a statement calling the ban "an attack on the free press and the public's right to know." Politico's statement called it "a direct assault on the First Amendment." MSNBC's statement called it "dangerous and unprecedented." All three statements were accurate and had no apparent effect.
The press corps that remains has been advised that briefing room seating will be reassigned. Several long-standing front-row correspondents are expected to be moved to positions that, architecturally speaking, are closer to the hallway than the podium.
The hallway leads to the parking lot.
The parking lot is not credentialed.
The story we are making fun of: https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2026-09-18/trump-says-he-ll-ban-cnn-msnow-and-politico-from-white-house