Politics
Trump Bans Canadian Goods, Personally Vows To Find Every Last Sneaky Flannel Shirt
By BSN Staff, . BSN Network. Satire.
WASHINGTON, D.C. (BSN) The United States and Canada, two countries that have shared the world's longest undefended border for over a century largely because neither side wanted to deal with the paperwork of defending it, are now engaged in a full trade war. President Donald Trump this week announced an expanded ban on Canadian imports following Ottawa's decision to impose retaliatory tariffs on American goods, a move the Canadian government described as 'measured and proportional' and a move the Trump administration described as 'an act of war, frankly.'
The expanded restrictions target Canadian lumber, steel, aluminum, dairy products, and processed foods, representing billions of dollars in annual trade. Canada responded by targeting American orange juice, wine, and household appliances, which is the diplomatic equivalent of a country saying 'fine, we're taking the blender.'
Trump announced the escalation from the Oval Office, where he reportedly held up a bottle of Canadian maple syrup for twelve minutes while explaining that it 'should be American syrup, and it would be, if Canada had any respect for us, which they don't.'
'Canada has been ripping us off for decades,' Trump told reporters. 'Decades. You look at the lumber. You look at the dairy. You look at those guys in the red jackets on the horses. All of it. Very unfair.'
Prime Minister Mark Carney responded with a statement calling the tariffs 'deeply counterproductive' and reaffirming Canada's commitment to 'a constructive bilateral relationship built on mutual respect and shared values.' This is the thing Canada always says, in the same tone a person uses when they are very politely asking you to please stop standing on their foot.
Economists on both sides of the border have warned that the tariffs will raise prices for American consumers on everything from building materials to breakfast. A two-by-four that cost eleven dollars last year is currently projected to cost nineteen dollars by summer, which means the administration has successfully made it more expensive for Americans to build things in America, a detail that has not yet found its way into the president's talking points.
Industry groups representing American homebuilders, dairy farmers, and manufacturers have quietly begun lobbying against the measures, using the specific tone of people who voted enthusiastically for something and are now reading the terms and conditions.
'We support the president's vision completely,' said Chad Rettler, a spokesperson for the National Association of Lumber Dealers, in a statement that took four attorneys and two days to produce. 'We simply ask that the vision be applied in a way that does not make lumber cost more than the house it is going into.'
Canadian officials, for their part, have been uncharacteristically direct. Deputy Prime Minister Chrystia Freeland appeared on television to say that Canada would 'not be bullied,' which landed as extremely credible because Canadians apologizing while being stepped on is the baseline, so when one of them stops apologizing, the situation has genuinely deteriorated.
Across Canada, citizens responded to the news by pointedly buying domestic products, hosting American-goods bonfires that were very orderly and wrapped up by ten, and posting social media videos in which they cut up their Netflix subscriptions, which are American, before remembering they needed Netflix and resubscribing privately.
The White House has indicated further escalations are possible if Canada does not 'come to its senses,' though aides have not specified what coming to its senses would actually require, possibly because that document does not exist yet.
A senior trade official, speaking on background, confirmed the administration's position is 'evolving.'
The border remains open.
The story we are making fun of: https://abcnews.com/Politics/trump-ratchets-trade-war-moves-ban-canadian-goods/story?id=136289929