Absurdity
Woman Scrubs Every Surface In Apartment While Fridge Remains Crime Scene
By BSN Staff, . BSN Network. Satire.
RALEIGH, NC. A local woman completed what she is calling a "total reset" of her 800-square-foot apartment this past weekend, scrubbing, disinfecting, vacuuming, and reorganizing every room in the unit over the course of roughly eleven hours, sources confirmed Monday.
The fridge was not touched.
The woman, identified as 31-year-old marketing coordinator Dana Pulaski, began the cleaning effort at approximately 9 a.m. Saturday after what she described in a group chat as "finally hitting my limit." By noon she had wiped down the windowsills, laundered the shower curtain, and removed every item from the kitchen cabinets to wipe the shelves with a damp cloth and white vinegar solution.
At no point did she open the refrigerator.
The refrigerator in question, a Whirlpool side-by-side that Pulaski has owned since 2021, is believed to contain at minimum one container of leftover Thai food from a date in either late February or early March, a bag of spinach in an advanced state of liquefaction, four different half-empty bottles of the same brand of soy sauce, and something in the back left corner that her roommate, Jessica Volk, describes only as "the situation."
"I'm not going near it," Volk told reporters, adding that she herself has also not gone near it, and that both women have reached a silent diplomatic agreement not to raise the subject with each other.
Pulaski confirmed that she mopped the kitchen floor directly in front of the fridge, got down on her hands and knees to wipe the rubber seal along the bottom of the fridge door, and then stood up, looked at the fridge handle, and walked away.
"I was on a roll," Pulaski said. "I didn't want to lose my momentum."
When asked to clarify what momentum, specifically, opening a refrigerator would have disrupted, Pulaski said she needed to go check on the laundry.
Cleaning experts contacted for this story noted that the inside of a refrigerator is, in most residential kitchens, the single highest-priority surface for sanitation. Dr. Carl Briggs of the Raleigh Institute for Domestic Sciences described the fridge interior as "the central theater of microbial activity in the average American home," a description Pulaski has not been made aware of and will not be.
The Thai food container is from a restaurant called Lotus Garden that closed in April. This information is also being withheld from Pulaski.
Friends who toured the apartment Sunday described it as "genuinely immaculate" and "the cleanest it's ever looked," which Pulaski accepted as a complete victory. She has since purchased a small plant for the kitchen counter and a set of matching glass jars for dry goods, which she arranged in front of the fridge so that guests will have somewhere else to look.
Volk said she opened the fridge once Sunday night to get a beer, and closed it again before completing the motion. She is fine. She says she is fine.
Pulaski has scheduled her next deep-clean for six weeks from now. The fridge, sources say, has already begun preparing.
The story we are making fun of: https://reductress.com/post/woman-deep-cleans-entire-apartment-except-fridge/