Absurdity
Someone Woke Up This Morning As The Former Slim Jim World Record Holder
By Jeff Garstein, . BSN Network. Satire.
On Thursday, Conagra Brands gathered employees, a Guinness World Records adjudicator, and approximately four hundred and twenty-nine feet of processed beef and pork in Omaha, Nebraska, to establish, officially and for the record, that the longest Slim Jim ever made was this one.
The record stood at 230 feet. Conagra nearly doubled it. The Slim Jim measured 429 feet and 5.4 inches, which is longer than a regulation football field, longer than the wingspan of three Boeing 747s placed end to end, and longer than the amount of time it takes a Conagra executive to explain why this was a sound use of company resources.
The previous record holder has not been identified by name. This is an act of mercy.
Somewhere in the world, a person woke up Thursday as the holder of a Guinness World Record. They had told people about it. Maybe once, maybe several times, at dinner, on a date, during a lull at a work function when you have to say something or stand there holding a drink and nodding. "I actually hold a world record," they said. "Longest Slim Jim." And now they do not.
Conagra CEO Sean Connolly addressed employees at the event, saying the stunt was about "celebrating the brand" and "pushing boundaries" and showing that "Slim Jim is not just a snack, it is a statement." He said this out loud, at a podium, in front of a meat tube the length of an airport terminal, and then presumably got into a car.
The Guinness adjudicator, who holds a job title that requires him to fly to Nebraska and crouch next to beef, confirmed the measurement using what Guinness calls "standardized verification protocols," which is what you call a tape measure when a corporation is paying for the trip.
Conagra did not disclose what the record attempt cost. They did disclose that Slim Jim has been a "cornerstone brand" since the company acquired it, and that this event was part of a broader marketing initiative, which is the sentence you write when you want to explain a 429-foot meat snack without admitting you just made a 429-foot meat snack.
The record-breaking Slim Jim was not sold. It was not eaten. What happened to it after the adjudicator signed the certificate is unclear, which means somewhere in Nebraska there is almost certainly a very long Slim Jim being dealt with by people who did not expect this to be part of their Thursday.
Guinness World Records, for its part, maintains a category specifically for the longest meat snack. This category exists. It has been contested more than once. Somebody, at some point, decided the category should exist, wrote it down, put it in a database, and then waited for the calls to come in.
They came in.
The former record holder is not required to return anything. There is no trophy, no certificate to mail back, no formal notification process. You just stop being it. One day you have the record, the next day a snack company in Omaha has a press release and you have a story that now requires a correction every time you tell it.
Conagra shares were up slightly on Friday. The Slim Jim was not available for comment.
The story we are making fun of: https://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2026/09/17/guinness-world-records-slim-jim/1191789667547/