Politics
US Bombs Iran, Trump Reminds Iran Not To Do Anything About It
By BSN Staff, . BSN Network. Satire.
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The United States military conducted strikes against Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps targets overnight, and before the smoke had fully cleared, President Trump took to his preferred platforms to inform Iran that retaliating would be, in his words, a very bad idea.
It is, by most accounts, the diplomatic equivalent of punching someone in the face and then holding up a finger to say, hey, let's keep this civil.
"The President wanted to make sure the Iranians understood the rules of engagement going forward," said a senior administration official who asked not to be named because he was still working out what the rules of engagement were. "We strike. They reflect. That's the framework."
At a Fox News desk that had not been slept in, senior strategic analyst Jack Keane described the operation as "precise, overwhelming, and clarifying," which are three words that have never before appeared in the same sentence about anything the United States has done in the Middle East since approximately 1987.
Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent also weighed in, explaining that new sanctions would be ready to deploy "in the event Iran responds in a manner inconsistent with the President's request that they not respond." He did not elaborate on what a consistent response to being bombed would look like, and no follow-up questions were asked.
On the ground in Tehran, early reports suggest the Iranian government received Trump's warning with what one regional analyst described as "a complicated emotional reaction."
At a diner in Akron, Ohio, a man named Terry who had been following the coverage since 4 a.m. said he thought the whole thing made perfect sense. "You bomb somebody, you tell them not to hit back. That's just respect," Terry said, nodding slowly. "My dad did the same thing."
Terry declined to elaborate on his father.
The White House press office issued a statement confirming that the strikes were successful, that America remains committed to peace through strength, and that any Iranian military movement in the next 72 hours should be considered "not in the spirit of the conversation we just had."
The statement did not define what the conversation was, who was in it, or whether Iran had been invited.
Congressional leaders from both parties issued responses ranging from "fully supportive" to "deeply concerned" to one senator who released a statement that said only "monitoring the situation closely," which his office confirmed was drafted before anyone knew what the situation was.
As of press time, Iran had not yet responded, which the administration is characterizing as a win.
Trump posted a follow-up message at 6:47 a.m. reminding Iran again.
The story we are making fun of: https://www.foxnews.com/video/6404495157112